Weigh-In Wednesday: What I Didn’t Say
Yesterday, the topic for VEDA (Vlog Every Day in August, in case you live in a box) was “Self-Image.” People put forth some pretty raw, honest stuff in their videos, and it was truly moving to realize how connected this little vlogging community has become in just a couple of weeks. But a bunch of us also pointed out that there was so much we left out of our Self-Image videos. So I’m taking Nora’s title from her post today, because I want to address the things I didn’t say in my video yesterday.
First, let’s do this weigh-in thing.
Starting weight (4/21/10): 167.8
Last week’s weight: 155.2
Current weight: 156.0
This week’s loss: +0.8 lbs
Net difference: -11.8 lbs
I gained a little in Vegas, and I was expecting that. This week I’m stepping it back up again, and I hope to be down at least a pound by next week. I’m happy with my overall progress, and I’m keeping it real in terms of accepting these last couple weeks of gaining weight, but two gains in a row IS a motivator for sure. So we’ll see how it goes between now and next weigh-in.
Now on to the serious stuff.
I think I came across in my video yesterday like I have it all together. Like I’m full of confidence and I see myself exactly as I am. But you guys, buried in the middle of that video, I also said, “I struggle on a daily basis with criticizing myself when I look in the mirror.” I said it like, “Every girl feels this way, so obviously so do I, but it’s no big deal.”
It’s a big deal.
Body dysmorphic disorder by definition is probably more extreme than what I struggle with, because I’m not debilitated by my perceptions of my body. But more often than not, I know that when I look in the mirror, what I’m seeing is not what YOU see when you look at me. I’ve lost 12 pounds, yet I still see the 170-pound girl staring back at me in the mirror most days. Some days I notice the change in my midsection, but my thighs, arms, and calves? I still hate them.
I never used to be a dress person, primarily because I hated showing my legs. I have always been self conscious about the size of my calves, the pudge above my knees, and the jiggle of my thighs. (I think it started when I realized that I couldn’t buy a pair of knee-high boots because they wouldn’t zip over my calves.) So, okay. I love wearing dresses now. But I still hate the sight of my legs in them. (I usually just try not to look at my legs when I wear dresses; instead I focus on keeping my tummy tucked in and feeling good about how feminine I look.)
I go to spin class because I love it, but also because I keep wishing that after this next session, my calves will shrink and become more visibly toned. It’s happening. I know this because I take measurements monthly, and because I can compare photos from years ago with recent ones. But on a day-to-day basis, I just don’t see it.
And here’s the part where I may seem to contradict myself, or something.
Like I mentioned in my video, there is one thing that has been a huge help in improving my self image: my husband. I want to say more about this, but I first want to give you a little background about me and compliments.
I’ve never been good at accepting compliments, and part of the reason is that I have held on to the insults from years and years ago much too tightly. I was completely flat chested until college (and even now, I barely fill in a B cup…barely). The boy I had a crush on in 7th grade used to call me “the beast with two backs,” and he told me once that he would never go out with me because people would think he was gay (I didn’t dress very girly back then). I was rejected in high school by a handful of guy friends who always said, “You’re cool and any guy would be lucky to go out with you,” followed immediately by, “…but I just don’t like you in that way.” They always skirted my questions about whether they thought I was pretty. It took a LOT of guys finally taking notice of me toward the end of high school and the first year of college before I started to believe I was remotely attractive.
I also learned a lot of bad behavior through the media, like rejecting compliments because it actually made people give them more frrequently. (“You don’t have to lie; I know I’m not that pretty,” was always followed with, “No, I’m not lying! You ARE pretty!”) But even though I was aching for more compliments, more affirmation, I never let myself take them as truth. It’s sickening, looking back on this stuff.
I AM beautiful. I know this now because I finally let someone tell me so, and I didn’t dismiss his remarks. Sure, sometimes I still catch myself saying, “But what about this?” when Joe says, “You look so sexy right now.” But on the whole, I’m letting him tell me how beautiful he finds me, because I believe him. He doesn’t just tell me I’m beautiful because he knows I want to hear it. He tells me because he can’t help but tell me. And then he shows me just how beautiful he finds me. *snicker*
Anyway, I feel like there is still a ton more I could say about all this.** I guess I just wanted to touch on a few things so that you know I don’t have it all figured out, but I’m getting there.
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How’s your fitness/weight loss journey going?
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**Case in point: I didn’t mention anything about my family’s weight struggles; I didn’t talk about my perception of myself as a person (not just body image, but also personality, attitude, etc.); I left out the fact that I used to kiss boys just because they wanted to kiss me and I thought that would make me feel beautiful and worthwhile; I didn’t tell you about how I took a class in Vegas this past weekend called “Stripper 101″ and WHY I took it and how it turned out… (Okay, that last one is going to have to be a post all its own. So, watch out. It’s coming.)
Wow, Tabitha. Thank you for your honesty. I haven’t had a chance to see your latest VEDA yet, but I can definitely understand what you’re talking about…
Why is it that so many women are not confident with their bodies? Why is it that we need constant reassurance?
Are those overly confident women just ‘faking it’, or do they know a secret that we’re not let in on?
I think you’ve come a long way and you definitely set a good example on how to go about changing our self-perception.
P.S. I think you are beautiful, btw.
Amazing what one little vlog did for all of us, isn’t it?
I know what you mean about the calves/thigh/knee thing. even when I’m exericising and I’ve lost weight, i still see the girl who was chubbier and fatter before the exercise began. It’s so frustrating sometimes. And like you, I have proof that things are changing but still… it’s hard to let go of things that we are used to.
If I ever meet that guy who called you the beast with two backs? I will beat him up.
I was made fun of in 5th grade because I started getting boobs then; they stopped growing sometime in high school, are barely a B as well and while I love them (it makes running easier!) guys teased me for being the first to develop but not to get very far.
I hope that someday I meet a guy like Joe who I can believe when he tells me things like I’m beautiful. And I’m really gladl that you have Joe in our life, that we are blog friends and also, way to go on your weight loss! you’re totally rocking it
A couple things re: the legs:
1a. Different people carry fat in different parts of their body. Allan, for instance, gains it first in his mid-section, then his face, then his arms. Consequently, when he loses weight, it goes in the reverse order– first the arms slim down, then the face, then the tummy. So it’s possible that your legs will be the last ones to slim down after you’ve gotten rid of the fat everywhere else through consistent, continuous diet and exercise.
1b. Cycling tones muscle in the legs, and combined with (1a) above, it may work against you, short-term, in terms of any *visible* progress. Any fat there would take up more volume than muscle, and the combination of existence of fat plus building muscle just makes it LOOK like they haven’t shrunk. But it will– it just takes more time
2. Is it possible that you just have more muscle in your leg, period? Some people are just naturally more muscular in certain areas than others. In which case what you should really be measuring is how toned they are (from cycling, running, etc) and not the absolute size.
Re: everything else:
The boobs– I eschew many dresses because they have plunging necklines that I can’t wear because I barely fit into an “A” cup. You have the perfect size, in my opinion. Large enough to show some cleavage and wear outfits I cannot, and yet not so large that they become a nuisance or cause backaches or just generally look trashy when you wear skimpier outfits. I would dearly *love* to have boobs your size!
I’m also very jealous of your hair– it’s so perfect! And no matter what you do with it, no matter how ratty you think your style is, you look great in it. I only wish I could pull off half the looks you do!
You ARE beautiful, and even more so, your husband obviously thinks so. And regardless of what any immature jerk has said to you before, the fact is, you’ve got a man who *does* appreciate everything you have, no matter how dissatisfied you are with it. It took me a long time to come to terms with my flat chest (this past weekend in Vegas was the FIRST time I’d worn a 2-piece swimsuit in public like that since I was like, 10 years old!), and the biggest thing that helped was having a husband who actually prefers smaller boobs to big ones. No matter what your body size, style or type, there is a man out there who loves it, through and through. And you’ve married the one who loves yours, 100%
I feel the same exact way about my legs!! I love wearing dresses, but I always try to avoid looking at my legs in them because they look like elephant legs. I’ve noticed that I am smaller on top and bigger on bottom so A-line dresses are where it’s at, yo. : )
I’m glad you took the time to write this all down because sometimes I think I’m the only person who feels this way.
I feel lucky in that I don’t really have any huge issues with my body. I feel like I could stand to lose 12 pounds because I love the way my body looks and the way my jeans fit when I’m that weight, but I don’t think I’m ugly or fat at the weight I am now.
I think a large part is my mom who raised me telling me every day how beautiful and smart I was. She said she learned it from her mother in law (my dad’s mom) who always told her daughters they were beautiful and they all have ridiculously high self esteem.
I think nowadays with the messages of “you have to be skinny to be beautiful” so prominent, parents really have to go into overtime to try and shield their children from it and also push them up…
Thank you so much for your honesty, and though I feel almost comforted that other girls have the same issues I do, the feeling of sadness FAR outweighs it because it’s heartbreaking to hear someone as beautiful and lovely as you say you hate parts of your body.
“I also learned a lot of bad behavior through the media, like rejecting compliments because it actually made people give them more frrequently. (“You don’t have to lie; I know I’m not that pretty,” was always followed with, “No, I’m not lying! You ARE pretty!”) But even though I was aching for more compliments, more affirmation, I never let myself take them as truth. It’s sickening, looking back on this stuff.”
This is still a pattern in my life, and I wish I could break it. I don’t know how to accept them as truth because when I look in the mirror I see the complete opposite. But it makes me so happy to see the way you ended this post – acknowledging that you are beautiful. Your honesty is refreshing, appreciated, and inspirational – thank you for putting this out there, and know that you really are beautiful.
Great blog..and as hard as it was to actually vlog on yesterdays topic I loved it. I loved watching everyones videos and also expressing my own thoughts. For some reason I still couldn’t get out what I wanted to say through blogging either but I hope to work myself up to it over time. It was great reading your blog though or “the rest of your vlog” heh. I can totally relate to your story and thank God for husbands right? lol
I think this is an interesting and weighty (pun intended) subject. I think what’s difficult to realize is every person is different. Just because you have bigger calves than the person next to you doesn’t mean they’re too big or out of proportion or bad. They’re just yours. And maybe you have better posture than that same person. The point is, it’s dangerous to compare ourselves to others … and yet, that’s where we get our baselines for our own self-judgment.
Me? I try to keep things real. I’ve always had bigger thighs than other fit people. But, when I was at my peak, I had some pretty kick-ass arms. I chose to focus on the things I liked and tried not to worry about the things I couldn’t really change (no matter how much toning I did, I always had more muscular thighs – it’s in my build). Also? I’ve never kept a scale in my house, nor a full-size mirror. Seriously. I try to judge myself based on how I feel … not on numbers or how I look.
I’m so sorry that this is something you’ve struggled with, I’ve definitely been there and sometimes I vacation there – but I’m really thankful that for the most part I’ve been able to get my head into a place where I love myself as best I can and laugh at the rest.
I think my main thought is I’m 25. No matter how much I fret over my body? I will never look better. I’m 25!! When I’m 45 I can worry about my body because then I’ll really have to work hard on it, but for now I want to enjoy myself as much as possible
*sigh* such a journey for most of us.. really learning to love ourselves the way we are. we should be able to do that, even if we’re working to improve ourselves – there should still be a sense of okay’ness just the way we are.
My worst middle school insult: being called “Mr. Burns” from the Simpsons! I had somewhat of a high forehead in high school and I have a “roman” nose. Then, I hid in the bathroom and cried every day for weeks. Now, I realize the dude was probably annoyed that I didn’t give him the time of day and picked on me because he was interested (I was still pretty cute in middle school despite previously mentioned forehead & nose). Or, he was just a loser who wanted to make someone sad. Either way it affected the way I saw myself for a loooong time.
But I don’t know, I think I’m a MORE confident person now because I had to face some doubts about myself. I’m glad I worked (am working) through those doubts. I think it’s good for me (and you!), even though life might have felt easier without those things happening at the time..