Thief.
I have something extremely important to share with you. It’s SO important, in fact, that I just bolted out of bed twenty minutes before my alarm to tell you rightthisminute. Please, don’t skip out on this post; it’s a serious matter, people.
***
So here’s what happened. My friend Helly and I were leaving the grocery store (I’m not sure why, but it was the Stater Brothers in Azusa, the one in the little shopping center with a Starbucks on the corner). It was about nine o’clock at night, and I was going to get a pedicure afterwards. I guess, for whatever reason, Helly was just going to drop me off at the nail salon, because she got in her car and I walked toward the salon (in the same shopping center)…with our cart. I’m still trying to figure out the logistics of that part. (Why did we buy groceries together, and why did I end up with them if I was about to get my nails done?)
Anyway, the nail salon was closed (duh, it was 9 PM). So I started to head toward Helly’s car, and somehow I said to her, “It’s closed, I guess we’ll just leave,” — and she heard me…even though she was in the car and I was on the sidewalk and we weren’t on the phone, unless maybe I had a bluetooth in or something. So Helly started to pull into a parking spot, except I was standing right there and her car totally nudged me (forcefully, but also slowly) and I was like, “Dude, you’re totally running me over!” and I stepped away from both the car and the shopping cart.
All of a sudden this lady (who, I seem to recall, looks a lot like this awful woman we’ll call W who is a con artist and has ripped my family apart) grabbed the large bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos from my cart. She opened them and ate a handful. For a second I just stared at her, incredulous, but then I walked up to her and asked why she just took my Doritos straight out of my cart. She claimed they were her Doritos, and sure enough, she had her own cart just a few feet away. But I could tell she’d only bought a few items, and I had just watched her take the chips out of MY cart. So I calmly asked her if she would show me her receipt to prove that she bought a bag of Doritos. (I guess I figured if she bought some and then somehow didn’t end up with them in her cart, I could MAYBE understand, a little, how she might have grabbed them from mine thinking they were hers.)
As this confrontation began to unfold, Helly got out of her car and stood near me. The lady, in response to my asking her to show me a receipt, started to yell at me and call me some very unpleasant names. I got defensive and raised my voice right back at her, telling her she was being ridiculous, and “just give me back my Doritos!”
This is where it gets ugly. This lady decided that she wanted my Doritos so badly, she’d fight me for them. So she freaking ROUNDHOUSE KICKED me in the shin. I’m serious — she did a full turn, with these crazy eyes glaring at me, and slammed her foot into my shin so hard that I almost fell over. At this point I knew it wasn’t worth it. She could have the damn Doritos. So I said (after a few whimpers), “You’re crazy! Forget about it; you can keep the Doritos, lady.” But she was still looking at me with those crazy eyes, and she started to come at me again.
So I ran. Helly ran with me, and she grabbed our cart, too. We darted for the corner, and the lady yelled out, “If you call the cops on me, I’ll kill you!” I said, “I’m not calling anyone! The only thing I’m calling is you CRAZY.” Helly and I took off running like our lives depended on it (but we were both too cheap to leave behind the cart full of stuff we’d just bought)…and you might ask why we didn’t get in the car and drive away, but would YOU want to walk back toward the crazy lady who stole your Doritos and kicked you in the shin just to get into your car? We didn’t. The car could stand up for itself, after all.
***
And then I woke up, my heart racing because it felt so real. I hardly ever remember my dreams this vividly, and when I woke up from this one, I knew I’d want to tell you all about it, so I couldn’t risk going back to sleep and forgetting.
Oh, and I hope I didn’t freak you out too much there at the beginning, heh. I just wanted to make it suspenseful, ya know? But seriously — I keep trying to figure out if there’s some underlying message from this dream…especially because the crazy lady looked so much like W, complete with the same white pants and frazzled hair she had on the first and only occasion when I had to see her face to face. Do the Doritos represent my grandfather, whom she ripped out of our lives and then proceeded to treat as if she owned him? Why would my grandfather be a bag of Doritos — and even more disconcerting, why Nacho Cheese? Why not Cool Ranch or Salsa Verde?
So if any of you are dream interpreters, have at it! This one was a doozy.
***
Have you had any weird dreams lately?
Holy!! My heart was racing and my jaw was becoming progressively closer to the floor as I read that!! Firstly I’m GLAD you’re actually okay – secondly isn’t it the strangest when dreams are so vivid?? Did you tell your friend? I’m dreadful at deciphering dreams but phew for it not being real!!
Whew, I guess I didn’t realize this was a dream but I’m glad it is/was.
What a terrifying dream to have. I’ll try to look up elements of this dream later for you in my 10,000 dream book =)
Holy moly. You had me freaked out until I read my name, and then I was like, what? I don’t remember this. Had to scroll down to see that it was a dream before I re-read it
I can tell you why we didn’t get in the car– it’s because cars never work in dreams! You either can’t drive uphill without exerting leg power, Flintstones-style, or you can’t brake, despite jamming both feet on them really hard. Which is probably why I ran you over– brakes weren’t working despite my best effort
The Nacho Cheese flavor made me think of your penchant for nachos, so if the Doritos do represent your grandfather (which was my initial interpretation as well), maybe the nacho correlation shows how close/important he is to you?
My take on the Doritos fight: exercise care when you want to get your Doritos back. It may not work the first (or second, or third) time, but it sounds like threats and other aggressive actions could potentially make things worse– not just for the hapless Doritos, but for you and your family.
Or… the dream could simply be manifestations of your own already-existing thoughts/feelings about the situation
Whoa…deep, deep insights here! It’s crazy how totally NOT crazy your suggestions sound. I hadn’t really thought into the dream that much because it just seemed so silly.
…or…you’ve been eating so healthfully that your brain (crazy lady) and your tummy (you) decided to have it out…and the DORITTOS WON! (since you were basically fighting yourself about which part of you wanted to EAT the chips enough to fight for them! LOL)
Either way, you’re gonna scarf up like two bags of Doritto’s before the weekend and forget about this dream…until you hit the gym again and work the chips off your hips.
Looking forward to seeing you and Joe this weekend ; )
Dad
Haha, Dad…you are so funny. I sure HOPE I don’t scarf two bags of Doritos this week, but I must admit that dreaming about them sure did make me CRAVE them. I’m gonna have to come up with a healthy alternative to satisfy my cheese/salt/carb craving tonight…
Nacho Cheese is the most delicious, that’s why.
omg I was totally believing you to the end that this really happened! I even visualized you running and tossing the bag back at her! Sooo funny!
I have only been having nightmares lately as my anxiety is out of wack. Ugh…I am super tired to say the very least.
Phew, I am glad that was just a dream. I am not a fan of remembering my dreams. I’ve had some weird ones and once one of them sort of came true. Thankfully, I don’t dream much.
because nacho cheese is the best!!! cooler ranch sucks.
Thanks, Tabitha. I go to that Stater Bros. at least once a week. Now I’m too freaked out to go.
uummm.. first, because nacho cheese doritos are the best kind.
and yeah, at first i was thinking this was a true story. and i tried to imagine why a salon would be open at nine pm. and i got more and more confused until the part where you said you woke up.
did i just miss the part where you said it was a dream?
ok, no i didn’t (i had to check). i’m terrible at interpreting dreams, but i think there’s probably just a LOT going on in your brain right now. i think if you combine helly’s and dad’s interpretations, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
ps. your dad sounds exactly like mine (have i told you that before?). that’s kinda weird. and cool.
i think it means you should quit dieting and eat some chips
crazy dream!
I caught on pretty quickly that it was a dream because I was fairly sure that Helly is someone you know from Santa Barbara, not Azusa.
I love HK’s thoughts and interpretations. I didn’t realize that cars not working properly in dreams was a common thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a dream where the breaks don’t work!
Okay, it’s early in the morning…
I meant: “…where the BRAKES don’t work!”