The Quest Continues…
I don’t want you to be a homebody who just blogs, makes jewelry, bakes and reads all the time.
At first, I wanted to be really angry. How many times have I tried to explain that I need my “me” time, my time to myself, time to recharge after a long day interacting with a thousand people? I felt like he was saying, “Honey, you’re a loser, and you need to get a life.”
(I wish I knew how to turn off that auto-defensiveness that comes with each bit of criticism or advice that comes my way, especially when it’s from the person whose motivation is never, ever ill-intentioned.)
But the more I think about that conversation, the more I realize: he’s right. He talked about how he feels like I don’t really hang out with any girls my age, except for when we have big game nights with a bunch of couples. He doesn’t want me to fall into being an old married lady just yet; I’m young, I’m adventurous, and most of all: I’m a GIRL. And girls need girl friends, no matter how wonderful their husbands are.
He’s right.
And as much as I’ve come to feel like you, my blogging pals, are just as good as any close girl friend I’ve ever had (and sometimes, better), I really do need to make a better effort to connect with people who live in the same city as me. I need girlfriends to drink Cosmos with, to see chick flicks with, to talk about how boys are gross and sweaty with, and to sometimes turn to for advice or comfort. And Nora? Cari? Kyla? Emily? Nilsa? Mandy? You don’t even KNOW how badly I wish those girls could be you!
But it’s time to man — er, woman? — up and start putting myself out there. I’ve got to make some genuine friends (who live within 20 minutes of me) because I really AM turning into a homebody. And that’s not to say that beading, blogging, reading and baking are in any way bad or lame or anything…cuz um, hi! They’re some of my absolute favorite things to do, and I’m not about to stop doing them. Still, I need a better balance. I need to get out of the house for more than just work, the grocery store and the gym. I need a social life.
Maybe you remember way back when Joe set me up on a girl date? And maybe you’re thinking, “What happened to those two new girlfriends?” Well, we’re still acquainted, but for one reason or another, we’ve never managed to get together again since then. And that’s okay, because not every girl I meet is necessarily “compatible” with me, ya know?
There’s still one little problem, though. Think you can guess what it is?
Yeah. I’m TERRIFIED! What if I reach out to a girl at the gym who seems cool, and she’s all, “Um, eww. Your mousy hair is, like, seriously cramping my style. Could you move over a couple of treadmills?” Or picture this: I’m walking through the grocery store, piling stuff into my cart (peanut butter, pickles, rainbow chip frosting — you know, the usual — not to eat together, of course, but she doesn’t know that), and another 20-something girl goes for the same tub of frosting. Our hands touch. We both chuckle awkwardly. And I say, “Wanna come over and watch Titanic and bake rainbow chip cupcakes and braid each other’s hair?” And then she goes, “Oh, I thought this was spackle. I threw my Donna Karan boot at my boyfriend and it left a hole in the wall. But anyway, I don’t eat frosting. Actually, I don’t eat at all. Can you tell me where I can find spackle?”
Okay, so I’m kind of making fun of all those hair-flipping, 400-dollar-jeans-wearing Santa Barbara girls, which does not bode well for actually becoming friends with any of them, especially if I told them about my blog and they read this post, right? But all joking aside, I really am uncharacteristically afraid to try to make friends, and I think it’s because in the past, I’ve always been kind of thrust into situations where I’m in a room full of girls who are all feeling exactly the same way, so the chances of finding at least one other person that relates with you and thinks you’re pretty cool are a lot higher. Basically, I haven’t tried to make any real friends since college.
So basically, I’m a huge loser, and I have no idea how to make friends without being creepy or awkward. Which obviously explains my current pattern of blogging, beading, reading, baking, lather.rinse.repeat. My life is entirely too thrilling. Really.
So…help?
i’ll be your girl friend. haha. i’ve realized that once i return to LA i’ll have no real girl friends. this makes me sad. lets plan to hang out, ok? ok. good.=)
First of all: You are NOT a huge loser. If you are, then the rest of us are, too.
Secondly: Have you read my latest post? Because it goes with this post like PB&J. It’s explains MY take on friendships, which, in short, I can offer no help whatsoever. I’m just as lost as you are, love.
But let’s be lost together!
Echoing Ev’Yan: you are NOT a loser.
And I cannot tell you how many ways Joe’s quote at the top rubs me the wrong way.
I am 32 years old. Except for a brief stint in high school (which ended when she moved back to India), I’ve never had a close girlfriend. Ever. The closest would be Lisa, who is Allan’s age, has two adolescent/teenage daughters, and lives in Wales. She and I have shared some deep, dark secrets since we “met” in 2005. Even then, lately life has kept us too busy for much online activity. I’ve had closer friendships with GUYS than I have with girls. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that.
First of all, I’m not what you would call a girly-girl. Except for my current obsession with finding the perfect hair conditioner, I’m not into the whole beauty routine. I’m not into scrapbooking and decorating and other feminine artistic endeavors (which, sometimes, staring at our blank walls, I wish I were). My fashion statement consists of comfort first. When it comes to relationships, I relate more in the way guys do: analyze and find solutions instead of simply lending an ear to emotional outpourings. I rarely *get* emotional. The only time I ever burst out crying for little reason was when I was pregnant, and even that only happened one time.
Second of all, I can be painfully shy. It’s not as noticeable when we’re out in big groups and there’s plenty of people to keep all kinds of conversations going (especially Allan) but get me one-on-one? You’ve probably already seen how reticent I can get. There’s precious few people in the world I can relate to comfortably, in person. There’s Allan. There’s my mom. Even when Lisa and I met in person, the interaction was… stilted. I was far more comfortable emailing and IMing her than I was talking with her in person.
That’s how it is with me. Not much of a social life to speak of, but you know what? I’m okay with that. A few years ago, I might not have been. But I’ve realized that this is just who I am, and though my husband likewise encourages me to make friends, he also understands when I do not, cannot or will not.
Now, I fully agree that it’s a necessary thing to have close friends to confide in besides your husband. What I *don’t* agree with, however, is that this is someone you have to know offline. Sure, it can be fun to go physically go and hang out with someone, but is it really essential to a true friendship? I don’t think so. You listed several names of blog friends you are evidently close to– why not email/IM them when you want to confide something? Better yet, why not simply *call* them, since you (presumably) can’t easily meet them in person?
Which brings me to the “blogs” part of Joe’s statement. To me, this IS part of your social life. I mean, it would one thing if you were to shun *all* human contact (like game nights) in favor of blogging, etc… But you’re not. I think you already HAVE struck a healthy balance, and it’s really not fair to push or guilt-trip yourself into finding that perfect female friend.
After all, you wouldn’t pressure yourself in this manner to find the perfect guy, why do any differently for a girl? If you meet one somewhere, that’s cool, but if not, no big deal. No reason to go out on a limb to meet someone, male or female.
Sorry for the long rant. As you can tell, that quote really struck a nerve with me!
Besides, what’s wrong with being a homebody? Eventually you’re gonna get too old to party and stay up till 3am drinking, and guess what you and Joe will be then? Homebodies!
Well if you ask me, I’d say that “girlfriends” are overrated.
That is to say, I don’t think they are necessary for a social life, however they do help sometimes.
But in any case, since we’ve already made courageous steps towards becoming “not creepy internet stalker buddies” you should really come over sometime. We can take it slow … circle one another with cautious sniffs to the air …
I used to have this issue, I had only guy friends. So several years ago, I decided to change that. Now, my problem is that I don’t have enough GUY friends! How’s a girl gonna get a date when she has no guy friends? It’s difficult to find a balance.
When I first realized that I had no gal friends, I wrote down this little bit that has made a huge difference in my life: “Relationships take effort and pursuit”. Start somewhere safe, like with the married gals that you have game nights with. Invite them out to coffee after work. See if you can do that just once a week. Ask a different person each time, and just start to get to know folks. If someone can’t do it, well, don’t give up for that week – ask someone else and set it up for that first person the next week. You can do it. Don’t be so hard on yourself, relationships are tough. You’ve spent a lot of time pursuing an important one – Joe. Now that one is stable enough that you can continue to grow in it while getting to know some great women.
I am so bad at making friends too. It’s hard when you’re married and when you have a bff as a hubby. And it’s hard when you’re not in school anymore where potential friends are everywhere.
Have you tried to hang out with any of the wives from the couples (that you mentioned that you hang out with)? Maybe that will be easier since you’ve hung out before? Or are there womens events (ugg which I hate! haha) at church that you can go to/join?
Blah, I’m no help!
this is a HUGE problem with me too. i do not have any close girlfriends where i live. i have tons of close friends, they just happen to live more than 1,000 miles away. maybe there’s something to that. i have struggled with the same things. it’s just hard…and its harder the older you get. i personally think it’s something that is not forced, because if it’s forced…it’s fake and i don ‘t think there is room for genuine growth.
I am in the same boat, minus the husband at home who is encouraging me to get out of the boat (not in a mean way, of course). I remain single while the majority of my friends are getting married, reproducing, etc. I don’t know why, but all of my local girl friends who are married will generally not leave the house without their husbands in tow, or if their husbands will be sitting at home alone because then they will feel guilty. I once had to pull my friend out of the house by the arm while she begged for her husband to come along on our short dinner date. It was aggravating and almost insulting to me, but then I began to feel sorry for her and it went away.
Anyway, I understand why your husband said what he said. He is genuinely concerned for your enjoyment at this stage of life. I would say try a few things out, but really, you may end up feeling more guilty in the end that you aren’t able to make more friendships with local people because either they’re already stuck in their little adult click (sp?) and aren’t accepting new members, or because their family responsbilities hinder their efforts in seeing much of you in a social setting. At that point you can then say, “Hey, I tried it, but I am happier staying at home beading and watching the bread rise.” Maybe he just doesn’t want you to live with any regrets. I think your husband sounds like an awesome guy. My best friend asks her husband permission to do everything (the one I had to yank out of the house) and it makes me crazy.
Replace “making jewelry” with “scrapbooking” and I could have written this post. I swear, I feel the same way. It’d be nice if I wasn’t socially awkward and could easily make good friends around here!
i hear you…
making friends is HARD. making really GOOD friends, is even harder. Be patient, put yourself out there. I would strongly suggest joining a small group, if you’re religious. Some of my closest friends are from my small group and i love getting together with them. I also just joined the Junior League in my area and it’s proven to be a great social tool…find social gatherings in your area that interest you. Take a cooking class! Do MeetUp.com. Try everything! busy yourself…
you’re young. get out there and have fun!
Making new friends as an adult is so much harder than it was when we were younger, and basically everything we did involved interacting with others our age (high school, college, etc). Plus Santa Barbara is such a small town, and a small COLLEGE town, which I think makes it even harder. I know! I lived there!
The best advice I can offer is to find a volunteer group to join, or find people on Craigslist who want a running buddy, or a hiking buddy or something like that. Also, have you ever done NiteMoves in the summertime? It’s down at Leadbetter Beach every week and it’s a short swim and run (mostly for fun, but it’s fun to get competitive with others too), and afterward there is food and beer. It’s SO fun!
Good luck!
You & Apricot are reading my mind these days.
I have several good friends here in StL but because of crazy schedules we rarely get to see each other. Maybe every other week!? Sometimes more, but many of them live with their boyfriends, are married, or having babies. All very good things for them but bad things for my social life. I’m working on making new friends, reconnecting with old friends and if nothing else, reaching out even when it’s awkward. It’s slowly working. And if I don’t have an actual friend to hang out with, I go out alone… to the gym, to a bookstore, to a park. Maybe I’ll meet people there!? Or maybe I”ll find solace in myself.
And I SO wish we lived closer as well. Would be fabulous. Love you. And once again, know you’re not alone!
Ugh, I just had this conversation with my husband. After dropping my ONE (I will admit it freely) effortless, I-actually-want-to-hang-out-with-her-friend (who naturally lives several states away) off at the airport, he noticed that I was sad, and then made the comment that he wished she lived in our town because I need a girl friend. And that it had been a really nice weekend for him, having some time to himself for a change, because I was otherwise occupied.
Cue enormous crying fit!!
(he swears he didn’t mean it like it sounded, but whatever)
I am friendly with just about everyone I come into contact with, but I don’t know that many people IRL that I WANT to spend a lot of time with. Maybe I would if I knew any kindred spirits in my little world, as opposed to people I SHOULD be friends with. Or maybe if I wasn’t completely exhausted and busy and barely keeping my head above water. Or maybe if I didn’t feel guilty about every minute I spend away from my baby as it is…
Or maybe it just isn’t a priority, and that’s okay right now.
OMG get out of my head! I have a really hard time making friends with people my age, and the few friends I used to have (and by few I mean 2) have either moved away or we no longer speak. I want to make friends with people my own age, people to hang with, watch tv with, talk with, go to a movie, get nails done, or share a glass of wine. I want someone to talk about books and writing again. Phone, im, and e-mail friends are great, and I don’t have many of those at the moment either, but I really miss irl conversation with people outside of the 40 somethings that I work with. I get so nervous that people are going to judge me and stuff. I know it’s silly but I can’t help it. Your words are very comforting to someone who thought I was completely alone in feeling this way, in not wanting to hang out with vapid girls, and wants friends but am unsure of the logistics and judgment to follow.
Making friends is a bit like dating in that it’s completely terrifying and full of self-doubt.
I struggle with this same issue. My boyfriend is incredibly social, has lots of friends who live locally, and they’re always making last minute plans to meet up for drinks, etc. I, however, am an only child who is often happier alone than in a large group, has very few friends who still live in the area, and much prefers advance plans to last minute meet-ups. This difference often puts us at odds, because I’m perfectly content making him my main social outlet and he’s not. Sometimes he says I need to get out more, just like your hubby.
So, I’ve made more of an effort. Now if someone does approach me with plans, I agree to them whereas I used to check with the boy to see if we wanted to make plans. I’ve also tried to be more conscious of putting myself out there and making plans with others, but it’s a constant process for me because I do love alone time!
As far as making friends, I’ve found book clubs and other interest-based things work well. But, it takes time. I’ve gone through three book clubs and have finally found people I can relate to. And after about 8 months of my current one, I’m still not at a place where I call them up to do something on the weekend. It takes time and you have to be patient. Just don’t be yourself up for enjoying your “me” time — that’s an important thing and we all need different amounts of it.
Good luck!!
hey there— thanks for the book love!
OH MY GOSH I so wish we lived in the same city and we would have standing Cosmo dates every Friday night, standing cupcake baking every weekend and standard chick flicks ALL THE TIME. I honestly feel this way a lot of the time – I have TWO girlfriends. In the whole world. And one of them works evenings and I work days so I see her maybe once or twice a month, and Kyla & I see each other more online than we do in person! I’ve longed for a group – like on ‘Friends’ or something where we’d just see each other all the time, show up unannounced ever other day, and just have awesome times ALL THE TIME. Right now I see one girlfriend maybe once a week and it’s for coffee or cake. I don’t go out for drinks or have movie nights or ANYTHING – most of my time is spent at home, reading, blogging, watching Eastenders with David, and wishing I wasn’t such a wuss and could actually MAKE friends with people. But I have zero clue as to how to do that without coming off like a total creep lol!!
hrm. maybe…… start at church? is there a bible study that’s just for girls you can join? ooorrrr… something?
and yeah, totally wish that i was within 20 mins of you. or even miles. 20 miles would be sweet (of course, up here, those two are pretty much synonymous).
but really, i’m in the same boat. i have one girlfriend. like, really really good one here in fargo. but guess what? we’re both busy. she’s in school AND has two jobs, i’m in school and have lots of free time now and we just haven’t made the effort to get together more. and we’re in a new bible study now and i know one of the girls and i’d love to be better friends with her, but again, yeah, that finding time and actually hanging out and GETTING OVER THAT REALLY AWKWARD getting to know you stage.
i definitely want some more girl friends but i’m not really sure where to start either. i think that part of it is that my current living situation is a tad stressful for me and so i WANT to have james around all the time to weather that. i don’t want to go home and not have james there but not encroach on his time to be able to do something else – even if it’s just the opportunity to play video games. you know? i’m HOPING that once we get into the new pad, things will change a little bit. and i will feel more comfortable to come and go as i please without having to worry about what mood someone is in.
sorry… i got a little rambly pambly here. maybe there are just some things i need to get off my chest?
YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! If I lived closer I would so come over to watch girly movies, eat icing from the can and braid your hair. I’ve seriously started applying to jobs in areas where my long distance friends live just because I would love to be able to pop over and visit, have happy hours, and numerous other things with.
My girlfriends are the friends I’ve had since middle school and college. Two of them live away but I do seem them every few months or so. My other best girl friend lives in the same town as I do so we are together frequently for coffee dates, shopping dates, etc. I show up at her house randomly with food and wine and we play rock band for hours. We have bonfires on the weekends and I truly would be lost without having her nearby.
I also believe though that just because I dont live in the same town as many of those fabulous women you mentioned that it diminshes our friendships. There have been nights I curl up for a Skype date with Nora or Kyla, or a gchat with another friend. Its as equally fabulous.
Have you checked out MeetUp? You might be able to find some great new friends there…
http://www.meetup.com/
I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned balance. No one is asking you to give up your home life, but it is important to get out there and make a few other friends. Why not take one of your favorite activities and figure out a way to make it social. See if there’s a blogging community in Santa Barbara – attend a meet-up. See if a local beading store offers workshops that you could attend. Go to a cooking class. It might bring you together with other people who have similar interests to you!
PS – I’m tickled you wish I was one of those girls. If only I could pick up my life and plop it down in California!
Oh man, when I read that first line, I was thinking — that sounds heavenly! One of the best ways I’ve found to meet people is by incorporating one of your loves at home and take a class or join a club. Yes, it may seem scary or lame or weird, but really you’ll be surrounded by others who have similar interests. Definitely worth a shot. I know a lot of people who have made friends through Meetup.com. Good luck!!