On getting old and grasping for security.
Last night, Joe and I finally visited my grandmother, who has been living in our town for about a month now, after some terrible drama with my grandfather. It was not an easy visit, but it was nice, all things considered.
My grandmother is 80 years old, lonely, and losing her memory. She has been diagnosed with mild dementia, bipolar disorder, and yet she still has a flair and intelligence about her that can’t be ignored. She laughs at the mental tests she’s given, where they hold up a pencil and ask, “What is this?” She’s like, “Um…seriously? It’s a pencil, doofus.” Except she’s much more refined and probably doesn’t even have the word doofus in her vocabulary.
While she is clearly still Grandma (she hasn’t forgotten my name or anything), it is extremely evident that she is declining in mental health. During our hour and a half with her, she repeated several of the same questions or statements countless times. Things like:
Did you say your mom is going to visit next week?
Will you ask her to bring me some photos, and some dates?
I saw [your cousin] Jonathan on television today!
Your wedding was 8-8-08? Or was it ’09?
Oh, when did you see [your cousin] Katie and her new boyfriend?
My hubby hasn’t been in contact with me very much…
And you guys…this is breaking my heart. But we could tell she is trying her best to remember things. She is aware that she has a harder time retaining information, and she said she has been taking notes on a calendar to recall what she does, who she sees, etc. It’s a good thing, I think. But I wondered whether she remembers more than she wants to, sometimes. Whether she is selective in what she writes down, hoping that she WILL forget certain things. Based on all the things she kept saying, it sounded like she is trying to hang on to what little security she has left. I mean, in spite of all the horrible things that have transpired over the last several months in her marriage, she still refers to my grandfather as “my hubby.” I couldn’t imagine being married to someone for 56 years and then even considering trying to erase him or “get over him.” And I can’t decide whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing that she seems to be holding onto the hope of her marriage surviving. I say that, mostly, because I don’t know whether my grandfather will ever come to terms with the damage he has done here.
Anyway, spending time with my grandmother was a blessing. It was painful, and even a little bit frustrating, but in spite of her poor memory, it felt good to be an adult and have a talk with my grandma. Even as recently as last year, I always felt like a little kid when I talked to my grandparents. I don’t really know why. But last night, I got to be a grown-up. We talked about married life, following God’s calling, working for a big company. We talked about the same few topics multiple times; like a mini version of Groundhog Day…but I enjoyed visiting her as Mrs. Joseph Carnes.
And at the same time, I felt terrible. I felt (completely irrationally, I know) as if my being there with my new husband would be a slap in the face for this woman whose partner for over two-thirds of her LIFE has just abandoned her. And I couldn’t help but let in that tiny hint of worry: What will happen to Joe and me when I’m 80 years old, losing my memory, and lacking the mental capacity to be a good wife, to express my love and appreciation for my husband? Will it wear him out to the point that he can’t stand to be with me anymore?
In my heart of hearts, of course, I know that Joe and I are different. Our marriage is grounded in communication, whereas, from the things I’ve heard of my grandparents’ marriage, they were just trying to do the Christian thing and stay together, no matter how ugly it got. And when it did get ugly, they just…let it. I mean, obviously SOMETHING worked, to some extent, because they made it a damn long way before everything fell apart. But despite all the things I don’t know and will never know about my grandparents’ history, I KNOW that Joe and I are different. And I pray that we stay different. I pray that the communication we have is never neglected. That conversations like the one we had last night after our visit (unrelated to the Grandma thing) will never become too much “work” for us to recognize the WORTH of them.
My grandmother also mentioned over and over how lonely she is. And my first instinct was to react like I would have five years ago, when she was a manipulative and, quite frankly, tactless sort of person. I was tempted to read the “guilt trip” she was laying on us, to hear her saying, “You selfish kids live two miles from me and it’s YOUR FAULT that I’m lonely and forgetting things, because no one ever visits me and I have nothing left in life.” But I knew that she wasn’t saying she was lonely to get a promise of more visits. She is finally so frail that she has no reason to try to be strong or conniving. She’s just being honest, and taking the opportunity to talk about her life and her feelings to a real human being while she can.
And THAT breaks my heart, too. She said she keeps the TV on most of the day just for the company. But she also hasn’t made any effort to get to know the other people in her home, or to learn the names of the people who work there to help her. She still doesn’t like the idea of asking for help, except when it comes to wanting her family to visit her. She wants to hold on to every memory she can get her hands on, and she needs US to be around so she can do that. It’s actually a huge burden, now that I’ve seen how desperate she is for love. I mean, I knew it. I knew that visiting her would make her day, that it would mean the world to her, because her world — her husband — has basically disintegrated. I’m comforted that she still smiles, yet I’m saddened because even in that smile, you can see every bit of pain she is dealing with.
I don’t really know why I’m saying all of this. I guess I just needed to let it out, and I needed to make sure that I remember this night. I don’t want to let another three or four months go by before I see her again. I want to make good on the promises I made to her tonight, that I would bring her more photos, and help her get a map to show where she lives and where we live. I want to help her hold on to what little security she has left. I want to help her remember the good things.
(I’m numbering this because it’s easier for me to remember all the thoughts I had while reading this post!)
1. I have a Gram who is lonely too. They can be friends. My Gram loves new friends.
2. I don’t think you and Joe will have a problem at all. In fact, I think you two would be more like the characters in the Notebook with Joe reading to you everyday just for a moment of a glimmer of you remembering the time you two shared. Corny? Maybe. But True.
3. I can’t imagine what your Gram must be going through. It does seem to me that a lot of the marriages from our grandparents generation were shrouded in mystery. A lot of them were happy and a lot of things worked but it also seems like many people stayed together just because it was the right thing to do. And to the outside world? Most people never knew. The ladies of our Gram’s generations were amazing actresses I think!
My Gram went through a divorce in the mid 1950s when it was unheard of an awful to do and I know to this day it still hurts her evne though she met my grandfather (the one I knew, anyway) who was the love of her life. It’s interesting to watch the changes in the idea of marriage over the generations. something that was once sacred and lifelong seems to have become rather disposable and for fun (in some cases, not all).
4. Sending you and your Gram hugs.
You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Loving and spending time with your grandma means more to her than you’ll ever know. And I’m sure, even though her marriage is falling apart, she is thrilled to see you and Joe together and so happy.
My grandmother (my only living grandparent) passed away this year the week before Thanksgiving. It was definitely her time to go – she was almost 92 and had suffered from macular degeneration for years, leaving her blind, and she had alzheimers. So she’s in a better place now, but I will always miss being with her and seeing the joy she felt when she was with all of us.
Spend as much time with your grandma as possible! And Merry Christmas to you and your family
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is for you. I know that when my grandparents really start deteriorating, I am going to be crushed. AND I don’t think you and Joe are like your grandparents. Being honest and communicating while having a deep love and respect for each other– I think that’s what’s important.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
This made me cry. I have had a similar experience with my Grandma & it’s so sad to watch. I think it’s great that you are aware & trying to help. Big hugs.
This absolutely moved me to tears, and I can’t even imagine how difficult it must be for you. I hope you can spend as much time as possible with your grandma, you’ll be in my prayers.
This is so tough, my grandma…she and my grandpa are married but can’t live together without killing each other so they have their own houses & date (it’s really cute) but she’s pretty much setting herself up in the same situation. No friends, can’t go out, and has been ramping the edges of her world closer and closer to her doorstep since I was a kid. She’s starting to lose her facilities a little, and it’s so scary to be around, and at the same time you have to be there for people. It’s so tough.
But I think that if I was in her situation, I wouldn’t want to make friends. What if I forgot who they were? What if I forgot things about them? As someone who has been extremely intelligent (and maybe proud from what you’ve said) that would be so embarrassing and disorienting… it’s hard to get people to come out of their shells in those situations. Hopefully she does, I think it helps with memory.
Maybe if recent things are hard for her to remember, you could watch movies or bring her books or… I don’t know. I think that just going regularly is the important thing. And when we’re all 80… well that’s almost too scary to think about! =)
I read your entry here the day before Christmas Eve, and it inspired me to go print out some pictures for Grandma. So I did, and gave them to her on Christmas Eve, and she absolutely LOVED it! She wrote on all the backs, and kept looking through them… so THANK YOU for your inspiration!
(Oh, and Merry Christmas!)
Second try to leave a comment…I didn’t do it right the first time!
I’m so glad you and Joe were able to take time to visit grandma even though I’m sure you had a ton to do before your trip down here. Thanks for making it a priority. Sounds like you had a great visit even with the challenges. I hope I can get the calendar done in record time so that I can bring her a copy next weekend. That would be fun.
Love you,
Mom
This post breaks my heart because I’ve been watching my two remaining grandparents struggle. It’s hard being a grownup and seeing it all. I want my parents to say “Go outside and play” whenever they want to shelter us from something … just like they did when we were little kids. But you’re right — it kind of feels good to be an adult and have some power over the situation.
Aw, I’m so sorry, hon. But it’s important to remember that you and Joe ARE completely different… we choose our hubbies for different reasons now (aka we WANT them, don’t NEED them)… and I think that generally lends itself to happier relationships.
yeah, it’s hard. it’s really hard when that stuff starts happening. they get old. we realize that they’re mortal, etc., etc.
and then we take parts of their lives that are terrible and we try to make sure that it doesn’t happen to our lives. i think that’s the best thing about those kind of relationships, no matter WHO is the other party. i try to NOT take for granted other people’s mistakes and i try to learn from them so that i don’t make them as well. and i want other people to learn from mine so they don’t repeat what i’ve done. unfortunately it doesn’t always work that way. i hope that you and joe learn from that and continue to remember it, continue to learn those things.
i also hope that you had a wonderful christmas and everything. thanks for the letter. i really enjoyed it.
I went through this with my grandma and its really hard, love and hugs i udnerstand.