The un-weirdness of blog friendships.
This whole blogging thing is literally changing my life. I’ve already mentioned once or twice how blogging has helped me to be a lot more open in real conversations, for one thing. But today I’m thinking specifically about how blogging has affected my relationships.
Namely, the fact that I feel closer to some bloggers than to my “IRL” friends. And, as an extension of that, the fact that I spend more time talking to, investing in and seeking advice from my blogging friends than my IRL friends.
Case in point:
My maid of honor? I’ve talked to her for maybe twenty minutes TOTAL since my wedding day. Seen her once, for about ten minutes.
But Cari, Nora, Lucy, and my newest blog friend Kyla? We have gchat conversations pretty frequently, we know more about what’s going on in each other’s lives than I know about my IRL friends, and whenever I feel bummed out or discouraged, they are usually the first ones I think about turning to.
Is this a bad thing? I mean, should I feel guilty for fostering these relationships with people who live clear across the country, whom I’ve never met in real life, more than I foster my friendships with people I’ve known for years, people who were in my wedding?
It’s a touchy subject. It’s caused me to consider what I need in a friendship, what I have to offer, and where my priorities are focused. And to be perfectly honest, I don’t really know what my conclusions are about those things just yet.
All I know is that when Cari called me last weekend — I mean ACTUALLY called me, on the phone, for realsies — and I answered it?
It didn’t feel weird at all. It was, as I told Cari this morning, “awesomely UN-weird.”
And what’s more, Cari is getting married next year. In North Dakota. And I seriously want to go.
Oh, and let’s not forget the little thing about the Blogger Meetup in Vegas. I am THERE. Because THERE is where Nora, Kyla and a million other fabulous bloggers will be. And I want to be where a million fabulous bloggers are.
So does this mean I’m a terrible real-life friend? I mean, let’s be honest: I don’t call people. Like, ever. But send me an email? And I will flood your inbox with life updates and do my darndest to keep up with you THAT way.
It’s totally unfair, I realize that. A lot of my IRL friends aren’t so keen on email or gchat or least of all, blogging. Plus, I’m pretty sure a lot of my friends have basically assumed that now that I’m married, I only hang out with married people, or that I’m too busy getting busy with my husband to stay in touch with them.
(And oh crap, I just realized how true that might be.)
Bottom line…if I can EVER get to the bottom of this ramblefest…is this:
I am way better at electronic friendships than real ones. And part of me feels really awful about that. But then another part of me considers the amazing electronic friendships I have cultivated over the last year or so, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I’m getting to know people I never EVER would have encountered, and who are so much like me it’s scary. Blogging is like a free-for-all Friend Market, where I can peruse someone’s entire LIFE and decide if this is someone I feel like I could connect with. No more of this let’s-be-friends-because-we’re-both-here-and-it’s-convenient. (NOT to say that I feel that way about ANY of my IRL friends…except the ones I’m not really friends with, just acquaintances.) This blogging thing is opening up a whole world of likeminded people, people who challenge me, people who stick up for me even though WE’VE NEVER MET.
How could I possibly feel bad about that?
Now, it’s just a matter of finding balance. Or losing all my non-blog friends…which would suck.
I couldn’t possibly be any more excited for Bloggers in Sin City. SO glad you’re coming! Woo!
I so wish I was coming to Vegas with you all. It sounds like pretty much the most fun ever. (Except maybe the time I went to Minneapolis and met some of the cast of Star Trek. This may be the point where you un-friend this blogger friend
) I know what you mean – I’m pretty new to blogging in the actual writing multiple times a week, emailing people and sending Christmas cards in the post sense. But it’s awesome how many wonderful people there are – and just the fact that they share a common interest and talent and such interesting anecdotes makes them just fabulous. I hate talking on the phone too, but I’m all over e-mail. And texting, with IRL friends. Of which I have a small handful, because maybe I’m just slightly awkward around large groups, and prefer a smaller number of closer people who are more like me? I don’t know. But I’m super grateful I stumbled into the blogging world too 
AND I WISH I WAS COMING TO VEGAS
Oh, my dear, that Star Trek comment makes me want to NEVER EVER un-friend you. I grew up in a family of Trekkies, Star Wars fans, geeks, nerds, you name it. Granted I’m not AS obsessed as my dad or brothers, but I get it. I like it. And I like you!
I totally know what you mean. Nearly 5 years ago, when social networking sites were just starting to become popular, I discovered a gaming/networking site called Grab.com. I went there mostly for the games at first, and was soon sucked into the forums, meeting people and enjoying my interactions with them. They soon rolled out blog capabilities, and thus began my blogging days. Always had a core group of online friends (some from as near as Burbank and Huntington Beach, others as far away as the East Coast, to the UK and even Australia) that I “hung out” with.
I had tried a couple times to organize a meetup of sorts, but it never went through. I guess it’s a little harder when everyone is scattered so far away. The closest I ever came was when I went to the UK in 2006 and met up with 2-3 of them for dinner and a night on the town. It’s too bad, really– I think a bigger meetup would’ve been fun.
And my online friendships were always much closer than any offline friendships (not that I had many of the latter)– I always shared a lot more with friends in completely different timezones than I did with local friends.
So I understand completely where you are coming from w.r.t. online friendships, and I, too, am much better at them than the offline ones. And I don’t feel bad about it, either
OMG, Yes!
Does it make you a bad person? No, not at all (or perhaps I say that as I feel the same way). If someone had told me a year ago that I’d have best friends that I met “online,” I’d have laughed at them.
But this group is so open, honest, accepting, non-judgmental, supportive, there for me in ways some of my IRL friends can’t be, well it’s special.
I consider you one of my best friends and I don’t even know which could be weird, but I don’t let it be. I know that we’ll meet up at some point and have a great time and continue to do so but that no matter what we have these great ways of connecting, sharing, of caring and being there for one another. It’s pretty fantastic, really.
I still touch base with my core IRL friends that I can’t live without on a regular basis, even if they don’t keep in touch with me.
Also? It would help if some of our IRL friends would be better about emailing. I know that sounds silly but I’m in front of a computer all day, everyday so I take the time to email on my breaks. If more people could do that maybe it would be easier. (And honestly? Some evenings after work I look at my phone like it’s the plague and want nothing to do with calling my friends.)
All this to say I love you! I can’t wait for Vegas! And I’m so glad to have been included in this list. WHEN I get married, someday, you’ll be there. I just know it!
I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when I read your comment, just knowing that there are other people who feel the same way! Not that it was a surprise, but you know — confirmation is good!
And hollllly crap I cannot wait for Vegas. It’s going to be spectacular.
For me a my real life friends have become my online friends – it’s something that happens when you immigrate to a far away country
I am so glad you’ve found a network of people, it’s super important and definitely makes blogging more fun!
OMG yes. I completely agree with you. 100%, just like Nora said, this group of girls we have going here— so freaking fabulous. I cannot wait for Bloggers in Sin City so I can HUG you all and thank you for being so supportive, non-judgmental, etc.
Yessss! I’m so glad to hear that you’re going to BISC too! (PS I just decided to start calling it BISC. Easier to type that way.)
You’re awesome!
wow, i don’t think i could have said it better! I def feel like some of my closest friends are bloggers I haven’t even met! which is why i am SUPER excited about bloggersinsincity.
You’re a winner! (clearly)
http://www.decoybetty.com/2009/12/he-calls-you-sweetiepie-he-called-me.html
I think I’m with you guys.. I love my IRL friends, but I have always been a texter, emailer, etc. I love forums (though I’m mostly a lurker), and my blog and Facebook account are ways that I keep in touch with the rest of the world… Family, Friends, whomever…
Maybe sometime in the future, I will have a group of blogger-buddies that I can meet up with in Vegas next year! hehe..
However, I’m glad that it’s not ‘looked down upon’ to have an alternate group of friends that you may or may not ever meet. =)
I also think that my husband would accept that a *lot* easier than my World of Warcraft friends.. lol..
You said it, missy!
You know I’m a better bloggy friend than a real life one. It’s just so much easier. There is really now pressure, and I think people are being more themselves and more real…because what are the consequences if someone doesn’t like you? They don’t read your blog? That’s okay with me – most people don’t read my blog! And you’re right – its so easy to read a few archives and figure out if you have found a kindred spirit or not.
And you can’t IMAGINE how bad I want to be going to Vegas!!
I have to come back and here and comment again, in particular, the comment about IRL friends becoming online friends made me think about how much and how differently I interact with my real-life friends through Facebook and my blog. Case in point: your husband, or anyone else we know that reads my blog. The sort of sordid stuff that came out in some of my blog comments on previous posts isn’t stuff that normally comes out in our everyday conversation (esp when the majority of our face-to-face meetings is in a church-related setting!). I don’t think Joe would be saying “I’m not turning my back on you” to me if it weren’t for stuff I wrote online.
Or our discussion on your post about the Rick Warren study– what a great forum to air out our personal thoughts about the study, something that would be difficult to do in the actual small group setting.
So… not only is the online world a great place to meet new people and make friends the world over, it’s also a great place to see different sides of people you already know IRL, learn things you wouldn’t ordinarily learn about them!
I truly believe those of us who forge friendships online work harder at maintaining those bonds. Its something that I do all the time. Like yourself, I find myself turning to the friends I’ve met through my blog much, much more than my IRL friends and often times feel closer to them. I don’t think its crazy at all. As Nora said, I am much more open and honest on my blog than I am with people in my real life. Granted most of my closest friends know whats going on with me and I do make an honest effort to call/email/text them on a pretty regular basis. I’ve decided 2010 will be the year I finally meet more of my friends I’ve never met! =)
i hear you.
people like us are a special breed. we are technological (sort of). we prefer the WRITTEN word to anything else. it’s easier for people like us. i’m hella awkward face to face sometimes and way even more so on the phone. yes, i’m social. yes, i can find things to talk about. but if someone isn’t super close to me, i don’t really open up. because if i’m going to have a superficial conversation, i’d rather not have one at all. i don’t waste my time trying to small talk. it’s not my style. at all. so yeah, email me and i’ll eventually get back to you. sometimes if it’s a long one, it takes longer and then the moment is lost, but i certainly try.
it’s nice for me to have this blog that lets other people who i don’t normally talk to into my life, my brain. and then when we do talk, it’s like they know me (which can be a little weird) but there’s still that little bit of something there.
i think that’s why it wasn’t weird on the phone. we already know each other so well. and part of it was that i called you at a time where i knew i didn’t have much time to chat. just in case it WAS weird. haha. i rule like that sometimes.
Haha — good call on calling when you didn’t have time. I totally don’t blame you for taking that precautionary measure.