19: On getting real and being specific.
First, some background: Joe and I are part of a really great church here in Santa Barbara, and we’ve been going to their young couples’ small group Bible study for about a year. Sometimes the small groups within the church will each do their own unique study, and other times everyone follows a specific series of some sort, often corresponding to the Sunday morning messages.
We’re right in the middle of one of the latter, a series from Rick Warren (author of The Purpose Driven Life) called “Life’s Healing Choices.”
In general, the series has been good. But last night I came to a bit of a realization about something that has irked me during these last several weeks of watching Rick’s DVDs and going through his material. And it’s about the second word in this paragraph: general.
Let me see if I can get to my point cohesively by taking a slight leap back in time.
When Joe and I went through the pre-marrieds course at the beginning of this year, we were given some truly invaluable wisdom from twelve elder married couples who had been through some tough shit. (Pardon my language, but seriously.) Some of these couples stood right in front of us, looking by all outward appearances like they were the perfect models of Christian marriage and fidelity and communication and holiness. And they’d get up there and one of them would say, “See this woman next to me? When we’d been married for five years, I had an affair with another woman.” They would say, “We used to scream at each other for hours on end until one of us just didn’t have a voice anymore.” They would say, “We aborted our first child because we just weren’t ready to fit that into our plan.”
They would give us real, honest, and detailed accounts of the failures they had dealt with, and how they grew stronger together, overcame and were still standing together to this day after such devastating things had taken place.
And I think that those specific stories were what gave Joe and me the confidence to get just as real with each other, and to work through every issue — no matter how tough — until it’s fixed. If that couple was able to overcome one of them having an affair — having sexual and emotional relations with someone OTHER THAN THEIR SPOUSE — and are still madly in love forty years later?
We can overcome ANYTHING.
So, keeping that in mind, let’s go back to small group last night. What I noticed about these Rick Warren DVDs is that he seems to be a big proponent of telling other people our “hurts, habits and hang-ups” and having support and accountability, and “you’re not alone” and all…
But he never says anything REAL or SPECIFIC about his own spiritual life. His own failures or struggles. Sure, he’ll say something vague about how he had to work through “a particular hang-up” and how he followed these Four Crucial Steps which are cleverly outlined to spell out an equally clever acronym. He’ll demonstrate, in a very general way, how we can apply the principles of this series to our own lives. But he won’t talk about an actual INSTANCE or ISSUE in his own life with any legitimate details.
Maybe it’s because he’s world famous and has to be careful how much he reveals about his life? I guess I can try to give him some sort of justification like that.
To be honest, I don’t really care WHY he doesn’t get specific. I’m just saying that I noticed it tonight, and I noticed that it seems to affect the way our small group talks about our own issues, too. Like we’re constantly sugar-coating our discussions so that we reveal just enough to let everyone know we “got” the points of this week’s message, but not enough to connect in that vulnerable, emotionally naked way.
I may be overstating this stuff a little, because I know there have been some moments these last several weeks when people have been completely open and shared something very difficult to put into words. But overall, I feel like we dart around the real issues. We avoid the more challenging prompts like Actually Finding an Accountability Partner. Telling that person ALL your stuff. Rick said, point blank, “You NEED to confess to someone else, specifically, the things you’re struggling with.”
But no one did it. At least not as far as I know. And I think: What if Rick had given just one ACTUAL example of something he’s shared with an accountability partner before? Would we have been more inclined to follow suit?
So anyway, last night I tried to be more specific. I confessed some habits I struggle to break — namely gossiping and complaining. And I feel like our discussion really flourished after that. Not to say that I somehow made it easier for us all to be more candid; just that by getting specific, it seemed like other people could think of similar things in their own life that they could relate to. Which, in turn, made me feel a lot better about putting it out there. I wasn’t alone. See how this whole Being Real thing works? It’s kind of cool.
And I also realize that sometimes I fall into the same pattern of vagueness here in my blog. Making general statements instead of getting down to the nitty gritty. Or just neglecting to say something because I feel like I’ve said it enough.
In fact, on Tuesday night I talked about a similar topic a little with Nora… (Yay for Gchat dates! — and hi? You should read her blog.) She asked me if I would be posting any details about my favorite things about marriage, or about Joe, or just newlywed life in general. And my first thought was, Haven’t I said that stuff already?
And my second thought was, So what if I have? I could have something new every day to say about marriage and life with my best friend, my husband.
And my THIRD thought was, Gee, maybe I’ve been kind of “faking” this whole Blogging About Life thing lately. Maybe I’m too focused on being witty or entertaining or making sure to post something every day, rather than saying something meaningful and real.
But that’s a whole ‘nother blog post, right?
My bottom-liner with this whole post is this: I think pastors, motivational speakers, and heck, even bloggers, who want to get any sort of genuine response out of their audience need to lead by example. And I think that’s what a lot of MY favorite bloggers do, and that’s why they have such high readership and why people keep coming back for more. And I think sometimes I’m pretty good at telling my story in a real, open and specific way, but I think I’d like to do it more.
Anyone else with me? Do you feel more inclined to share your own stories — even the tough ones — when someone else goes first, so to speak?
Great post. Seriously.
I often am envious of how open and honest other people can be on their blogs. I try to be, but sometimes I’m afraid. I’ve often said that I’m afraid to write because I’m afraid of what I might discover about myself or my life (whether it be good or bad).
But with the recent changes in my life I realized I should write about it. It helps me gain perspective, helps me feel better and it’s free therapy =) I do censor myself here and there because, well, I don’t want to be an oversharer too much nor do I want to be a debbie downer but it’s good to share. It’s amazing how much stronger the bonds to my friends I’ve met via the interwebs has become as a result. I mean, gchats, texts, phone calls, emails, snail mail, meet-ups. It’s great. It’s changed my life.
I am definitely someone who likes to share her feelings/thoughts in relationships, too. I think it’s a necessary evil to actually make things happen and work, you know?
(sorry for the massive book of a comment…!)
I LOVE long comments!
It means something I’ve written spurred you on to new thoughts and ideas. And I love your thoughts and ideas.
We’ve been meeting in our home with our small group for a couple of years now and while the core of the group has been with us since the beginning, only a few weeks ago did we ‘gel’ into something God could USE instead of having just another ‘holy huddle.’
More often than not though, either your mom or I have to ‘break the ice’ with something from our own past experiences before the rest of the group ‘comes to life.’ Even after all this time.
We’ve partnered with The Narrow Door (The Ramirez’s ministry to the homeless & very poor) recently and have committed to bringing dinner to the park to feed homeless folks, drug addicts, prostitutes, whomever is in need one Wednesday a month (partner churches send pastors/teachers each Wednesday for this) and I’ve never seen a more excited bunch — our small group — get so animated and fired up about anything until we answered the Lord’s command to “Go, feed my sheep”
So maybe stretching your small group to reach out beyond your own walls could produce a closer bond; shake off those surface cobwebs and breath new life into all of your relationships, one with another.
As for Rick and the ‘fluff’ you get from some of his ‘dvd series,’ it might be time to move on to some MEAT. What you are watching was probably intended to reach (1) the unchurched; (2) the stagnant believer; and/or, (3) the new believer.
Rick & his wife have been to ‘hell and back’ as she has fought with CANCER this past decade. And I think they’ve both been pretty open and honest about that with the people closest to them (which include the 25,000 or more that call Saddleback their home) but unless you push away the ‘milk’ and bite into the ‘meat’ of God’s Word, I’m affraid you’ll just find more of the same ‘fluff.’
By the way, I’m proud of you, Tabitha, for cracking open another layer to the onion that is my daughter (meaning you have many layers, some that can make others cry to experience it…not that you smell bad! LOL)
I love you sweetie…
DaaAAaaAAaaD
Yeah — I don’t doubt at all that Rick has been through a lot and I DO know he is candid about that stuff during the actual church services. I guess that may be part of why this series has been a bit disappointing; but you make a good point that it may be more geared toward “new” Christians or even people who are on the fence. But as far as moving on: I didn’t pick this series, nor am I the leader in the small group. The church as a whole has been asked to go through it by our pastor, and I think overall it’s probably going really well.
I think my real point isn’t that Rick is full of “fluff” but that I PERSONALLY would have responded better to more specific details on his part…
I have to agree with your feelings about the study, though for different reasons. I’m kind of surprised to hear that the discussion hasn’t been as noteworthy with the small group. The main reason I love your small group is precisely *because* its members haven’t been afraid to say what’s on their minds, even if it sparks some, well, heated discussions. The only reason we can’t join you guys during the year is because it’s too late at night for Todd. I’ve tried other small groups throughout the year (including the one we’re in now for this study) and none of them even come close. If you thought folks “skirt around the issues” there, wait till you try some others– nobody even TALKS!
But then again, maybe the young couples aren’t as shy because up till now, the discussions haven’t really been about personal matters.
As for the study itself– I find myself bored by the videos. All Rick Warren is doing is reading from the study guide. It’s VERY obvious that he’s reading from a script (a good actor, the man is not), so why are we wasting 20 minutes of our time listening to him READ when we could just read the exact same thing for ourselves?
As for the accountability task– honestly, I take quite a bit of umbrage with the notion that this is some sort of “homework assignment” that can/should be completed within a couple of weeks. That’s impossible. Just finding someone to confide in is a huge enough challenge by itself. I do not personally know anybody to whom I would feel 100% comfortable revealing some of my sins. Well, maybe that’s not quite true– my mother, but she already knows all that stuff. So I see little point in going through some sort of guided exercise just to repeat myself. And if it weren’t for her, where would I be? Am I going to be “stuck” just because I haven’t yet befriended anyone that I could share that sort of thing with? That’s baloney and I find it insulting when he/the study implies that. I find it offensive that they “accuse” us of not being able to move forward spiritually just because we haven’t yet cultivated a friendship that trustworthy.
While I do believe that taking stock of your past sins and hangups is very important for spiritual cleansing, I do not wholly subscribe to the notion that it must be shared with another person. I read a book that discusses this concept in great detail, and while doing precisely this (confessing your sins to another person) worked for the author, I could honestly not relate to her at all. To me, it’s more important that I discuss this with God and make myself accountable to him, not to another (fallible) human being. To me, finding a person to share with is just icing on the cake– if you know someone you trust that much, great! If not– no sweat.
anyway– my point is, even if Rick Warren HAD led by example, I highly doubt that would’ve made much of a difference in what ensued with the small groups. I do not know the man personally. What do I care what sordid things he’s done in his past? And the whole point of this exercise is to confess your sins to a trusted accountability partner, not to the whole group. So of course it’s natural to be vague or just bring out “safe” sins in a group setting. It’s exactly what I would do, and would continue to do, even if someone else brought out more sordid details of their past.
whew! now it’s my turn to apologize for my book of a comment
Yes, the young couples’ small group has been known to get pretty heated with discussions, but they tend to be more about interpreting Bible passages than sharing from the heart or opening up in a more vulnerable way…
And yep — I’m sure Rick is much more lively when he’s preaching from a sermon outline than straight from a teleprompter.
I like your points about accountability and how these “steps” won’t magically happen in the same timeline as we’re watching these videos. I completely agree with that. As far as whether confessing to another person is a MUST…I’m on the fence, I guess. I know that in my experience, telling someone else about my struggles or mistakes has helped me to be more conscious about my decisions before I make them; and on the other hand, NOT telling anyone seems to fuel my stupidity. Which is exactly why I chose to tell everyone last night that I’ve been struggling a lot with gossip. I mean, up until yesterday, I have been carrying on and on with co-workers about NASTY rumors and getting all caught up in it — and feeling not the tiniest pang of guilt. But when we were reading through the (very predictable, heh) discussion questions last night, the first “hurt/habit/hang-up” I thought of that I had relapsed into was gossiping. I debated for a minute whether I wanted to bring it up, because I knew that saying something would mean I HAVE to make a choice to try to change it. Scary. But now that I’ve said it, I feel just a little bit more empowered to stand up against the temptation.
I don’t really know what my point is with all that, except that maybe you’re right, and it is different for everyone.
Thanks for your thoughtful book of a comment!
I do agree that if you have someone trustworthy to confess to, it’s beneficial, in so many ways. I just find it hard to believe that those of us who do not have such a friend, are doomed to spiritual stagnation and unable to move to the next step of healing. At least, that’s the gist of the message I got from the video that first brought this up: that it’s the toughest step, but you won’t really make progress until you’ve made that step.
I also think that it depends on the nature of what you’re struggling with, too. There are some things I struggle with that I would indeed feel comfortable sharing with the small group. I totally understand how something like that would help you not to repeat the same mistake. At the same time, there are some things that I feel would be better to remain between me and God– as long as I realize the error of my ways, pray about it and confess to him… well, why can’t God serve as the ultimate “accountability partner”?
Hey chica –
I stumbled onto your blog yesterday and think that if I ever have the privilege of living on the West Coast, I will make a point to have dinner with you. And now, I am going to add to the book ( I always have to give my 2 cents).
Thanks for sharing your candid thoughts, it’s such a difficult thing to do on a blog. I love also what your commenters had to say. Your DaAaaAaad hit a good point about being involved in something outside of the group. I’ve been involved in a similar ministry since this summer and it’s changed everything. Nora, I also greatly filter my posts. I have a few friends who will just bare their entire soul on the internet. I can’t do it. I struggle enough with real, live, community and choose to invest the deeper things with them. So far, that hasn’t happened much but I still can’t bring myself to get too deep on the blog. I’m hitting your page next though, and look forward to finding great words there!
Hi Kyla! I’m so honored that you stumbled onto my blog and READ something!
What’s the link to your blog? I’d love to check it out.
haha, of course I read it! kylajoyful.wordpress. Enjoy!
btw, I also wanted to add that there’s nothing wrong with being vague on your blog. There are times for more superficial posts, there are times for deeper posts. There are times for fun ramblings, and times for serious introspection. Variety is the spice of life, or so goes the old adage. I guess it applies to blogs, too! And no matter the depth of content, good writing makes it *all* interesting!
I agree! It’s important to keep it intersting so that the reader never quite knows what to expect from you, you know? I try to keep it varied on my blog too.
Also, Tabitha, what your dad said about you being an onion? My dad says the same thing about me and my mom. Just thought that was cute/funny that our dads have said the same things to us. I also personally find that I get incredibly excited when i’m going above and beyond and reaching outside of my comfort zone so maybe there’s a key to his suggestion?
This is such a hard one to balance! I struggle with it all the time- in September I went back and read weeks worth of my posts and came up kind of empty handed as to where everything I had gone through….was. I had left a job to be take a whole summer off, I had been so desperately lonely and upset for so much of the time and I didn’t write about any of it. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN!? lol
But as you say here, it does, and sometimes it’s not even something you’re conscious of. Every two or three months I seem to post a “WOW, let me bring you all up to speed” post that seems to help. I have a deep, innate need to be totally daydreamy and distracted when I write it seems, but grounding myself here and there really helps.
Love your blog! You’re added to my reader!
My comment is not going to be super long like all the previous ones, but I just wanted to say that the blogs, memoirs, stories, etc. that are RAW and REAL and REVEALING are the ones I keep coming back to. I especially appreciate them because I am sometimes too much of a scaredy cat to reveal those things in myself so I know how hard it is for others to do it. I like the details, no matter how graphic or offensive or heartbreaking or earth shattering they are. So bravo to you for having the courage to break out of the mold and share yourself to others in your group. And I hope we all see more of it on your blog, as well! Excellent post!
Aack! I don’t have enough time this afternoon to write a book…probably not even a paragraph. Just wanted you to know that I love reading your posts and that I’m so proud of you! Much love, Mom
This is SUCH a good post. I’ve been thinking about this too. I do censor myself on my blog — I just can’t bring myself to talk about everything — but I wish I could. I lie awake at night forming blog posts in my head but never write it all down. There’s still too much stigma about revealing too much online. When I do pick a topic though, I do try to write about it honestly. I had a lot of people who were horrified about how graphically I’d written about a zit, of all things!
I do like it when people share. It changes everything, it makes me able to open up too, which is why I do way more of this in person than I do online.
Thanks for bringing up such a valuable topic. I’d been thinking of this too but you articulated it much more coherently. Nice!
You are right on with this post. I experience this in small groups and one-on-one conversations. The important point about being able to share through is establishing an environment of nonjudgement and trust. It’s almost impossible to share if people feel like they may be judged (as what? not worthy? not spiritually advanced?), whether or not it makes rational sense. But, you are so right, when we share deeply and personally in small groups, the transformational potential and dynamism just sky rockets.
With regard to blogs, I think it’s especially hard to be candid. For one thing, it’s not clear who one’s audience is or how written messages will play when read. Like you, I struggle to be frank in sharing challenges and concerns.
Thanks for this post!
-Austen
Me again
I had an IM conversation with Matt about some of this last night, and today was inspired to write a blog entry that elaborates a little more on my original book-length comment. So… thanks, for the inspiration!
ok i realize that you posted this about 100 years ago and i’m just NOW getting to it. but, alas.
i completely agree. being open is honestly something i’ve really struggled with in the past. i would just say general things that were extremely vague and could be construed in a number of ways, but i’m really trying to break free of that. a lot of it has happened this past year, with the break up and everything and then finding someone who i could truly be completely open to. it’s helped a lot, i’ve been way more open on my blog than i have been anywhere else which also helps, considering it’s a public one. people are reading things about me, learning about me and i can’t hide anymore. it’s not possible. because i either have to be real on my blog or more fake in life. and fake just isn’t an option.
i find that others have mixed feelings on my openness as well. i get a lot of ‘you shouldn’t be telling james those things, talk to ME if you have to about that stuff, but leave him alone’. and it really makes me wonder. if i can’t talk to him about one thing, isn’t that just keeping a side of me away from him? i’m now keeping something back, right? i don’t know. i probably shouldn’t ramble about this in a comment, but i’m sure you don’t mind. maybe i’ll have to post about it.
and yes, i see that you’re talking to me on gchat, so i better go say hi.
Exactly. Anyone who tells you that there’s certain stuff you “shouldn’t” say to the man you’re in love with is someone whose advice is not worth much, in my opinion. My husband gets all of me, unfiltered, uncensored, whether he likes it or not.
I read an article that reminded me of this blog post (hard to believe it’s been so long since we did this study!), because of the connection to Saddleback Church. How’s this for “leading by example”?
http://www.doublex.com/section/news-politics/does-rick-warren%E2%80%99s-church-condone-domestic-violence