9: Who I Want to Be.
Can I be real for a minute?
And by be real I mean “reluctantly confess my suckitude.”
And by a minute I mean “possibly a lot longer than a minute.”
So, can I?
Okay. Thanks.
I’m not who I want to be.
I’m not doing what I want to do.
“What are you waiting for?” you ask. “Start being who you want to be, doing what you want to do,” you say.
Well, I would. In fact, I would really LOVE that. But, while I know I’m not who I want to be, I don’t know who I DO want to be. While I’m not doing what I want to do, I don’t have the first clue what I DO want to do.
I am completely dissatisfied with my job. I am not fulfilled or enriched by what I do 40 hours of the week, and I am not fulfilled or enriched by much of what I do outside those 40 hours, mostly because those 40 hours take so much out of me that I just don’t have it in me to seek things that are fulfilling or enriching.
I don’t feel like I’m being a very good newlywed. I haven’t learned to cook much of anything, I’m terrible at keeping things clean and organized, and I don’t give my husband the kind of energy and attention that a brand new wife should give. (Who knew marriage wasn’t an effortless walk in the park, eh?)
I’ve caught myself complaining and talking negatively a lot more often than I’ve managed to say anything uplifting or hopeful or positive. I don’t like how easy it has become for me to be so pessimistic. And I really, REALLY don’t like how it makes Joe so frustrated, feeling like anything he tries to do or say to encourage me is immediately shot down by my lack of faith in myself.
Lack of faith in myself. When did that happen?
I guess it’s kind of been happening slowly since I graduated in 2007. I keep thinking over the decisions I made about my education, and trying to remember what my motivation was. Trying to remember if I ever really knew what I wanted to “do” after college. I keep reminding myself how pointless my entire college career seems to have been, since I have gotten nowhere with my degree.
(And, okay, maybe the people I work for now are glad that I have a degree…but I’m pretty sure I’m one of very few admins — glorified secretaries, really — who has a Bachelor’s degree. Anyone could do what I do.)
What if I had stuck with my high school dream of becoming a journalist?
What if I had taken time before launching into a four-year university to attend some community courses, to get a taste of different possibilities, to save some money by getting the Gen Ed out of the way at a fraction of the cost I ended up paying at a private Christian university?
And what is it about asking for help that seems so impossibly hard for me?
I’ve managed to express my frustration to Joe, but then when he offers suggestions I knock them down.
“No, I don’t want to be a technical writer. I probably couldn’t do it anyway.”
“No, I shouldn’t go back to school for something different, at least not until I know what I really want.”
“No, I can’t talk to my boss about my dissatisfaction with being an admin and how I would like to look into another position within the company. He doesn’t have time to talk to me about that.”
I guess what it seems to boil down to is fear. I am afraid to ask for help because I don’t know what to do when I get it. I don’t know what kind of career to pursue. I don’t know how to put my talents and passions and skills to use in a way that will make enough money, make any sort of impact, and make me feel happy about going to work every day.
And maybe I’m even afraid that if I DO find the perfect career and I fall completely in love with it, I’ll forget that one of the ONLY things I know I DO want to do in life is be a mother. And I don’t want to be at the height of a great career and find myself pregnant and having mixed feelings about it. As if the child growing inside of me might hinder me from furthering some stupid career I’ve become caught up in.
I mean, I really don’t see that stuff happening. Which is maybe why it’s so hard to find motivation to search for a career, knowing that when the day comes that I get to hold my own child in my arms, I won’t have the slightest hesitation to leave whatever prestigious position I’ve worked toward for however many years. Knowing that a career is more or less a thing to do while I wait for the time to be right to do what I was MADE to do.
So maybe I do have the first clue what I want to do. Who I want to be. I want to be a mother. But the problem is timing. Right now, we’re not ready to be parents. We have plans to execute first.
Debt to kill. Money to save. Newlyweddedness to enjoy. We need to get into a bigger place. I need braces.
Should I just suck it up and stay where I am? I make really good money. My job is not very difficult. Benefits are great. The people I work with are generally agreeable.
Maybe I just need to quit complaining. Quit thinking about what I DON’T like about this place, and try to find the good stuff.
Maybe I need to take a class I never considered taking.
Maybe I need to live like motherhood is not a definite, because who knows? Maybe I won’t ever have kids. Or maybe it’s just a lot farther off than I’m anticipating.
This post has gone in a completely different direction than I meant for it to go. But I guess it’s what’s on my mind.
Because I’m feeling really selfish today. Me, me, me.
See? Suckitude.
Here’s what I know I DON’T want to be:
- I don’t want to be a negative person.
- I don’t want to be a pessimist.
- I don’t want to be a nagging, unpleasant wife.
- I don’t want to be mindlessly marking time until motherhood.
- I don’t want to be unhappy for 40 plus hours every week.
- I don’t want to be a disappointment to anyone — least of all my husband, and second to least of all, myself.
- I don’t want to be wishing I had done things differently years from now.
- I don’t want to be an admin.
- I don’t want to be a rocket scientist.
- I don’t want to be a complete waste of intelligence, ideas and creativity.
- I don’t want to be a bummer to be around.
- I don’t want to be the kind of person who is always thinking about what she isn’t, what she can’t, what she lacks, what she dislikes.
- I don’t want to be a buzzkill.
- I don’t want to be a cynic.
- I don’t want to be stagnant.
- I don’t want to be forgotten.
- I don’t want to be a bunch of unused potential.
I don’t want to be who I’m not. And I’m NOT the kind of person who only thinks about what sucks about her life. When did I let myself think I could survive as that person?
I want to be grateful, joyful, optimistic and unselfish. I want to be bubbly. I want to be ME.
I just need to find her again.
Oh boy, I wish I could tell you that it gets easier! Not that I’m this wise sage who’s the same age as a grandmother, but I am pushing 30 so I speak from experience as far as my mid to late 20′s go.
One thing I’ve learned: do what you love and the opportunities – and money – will follow. Sounds so cliche, but it’s so true! I always wanted to be a writer. Now one of my responsibilities as a marketing manager is being a copy writer. I knew I loved advertising…so I started right out of college at a huge ad agency as a pencil pushers making basically enough money to live on a diet of nuts (not to mention the fact that I was still living at my parents.) It was a sad lonely time, but I stuck with it for a year because I was *passionate* about it. I learned, I honed my skills, and it got me a new gig that had greater opportunities. I stayed there for a few years and worked my way up quickly – again, because of my passion and dedication. Then, that landed me the job of jobs – what I have now. I make great money and I do what I love. Yet, I’d be lying if I said I was 100% satisfied…because I don’t think we can ever be 100% with ourselves. We’re always pushing and striving and hoping for more, wondering “what if” and what’s behind that “other” door. And that’s just life.
Now, I’m pregnant. I’m completely freaked out. I have to work – can’t stay home – and always imagined I’d be able to once that day came. It’s just funny how you grow up, life throws you curve balls and you’re doing and living things you only imagined…
Sorry for my schpeal! The key takeaway though is if you hate what you do, leave it. Pursue something that drives you, pushes your buttons. And if you can’t – for whatever reasons – then stay, but pursue what drives you outside work. I also dreamed of being a journalist (a travel writer, actually!
Why not write some clips and send them off to your local paper? You’re obviously a very talented writer (and I have yet to see a typo on your posts – hehe) so go for it! Otherwise you’ll always regret it. And your blog is fabulous. That’s a feat in itself. I mean, look at all your readers!
Tab, I don’t have a lot of wisdom to give and I’m no expert when it comes to discovering one’s self and all that they’re designed to be, but I can tell you that I understand the spirit of your post and feel empathetic towards your current dilema. A couple years ago, while I enjoyed some aspects of my job, there were some things about it that I knew I didn’t want to do for the rest of my life. It got to the point that I was so unhappy there that I would come home crying and completely overwhelmed. There was no sense of permanence about it and I was desperately afraid of failure, even though I had no reason to be. I think it’s part of human nature to second-guess one’s self and it is something that only God can break you of (with the help of those that He puts in your life to encourage you, like your husband (most imporantly), other family, and of course your friends). The best advice I’ve gotten was from Jeff a long time ago when I felt like I would never succeed. I’d confided in him that I was desperately afraid of failing and that I felt overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. His response? “You’re NOT GOING TO FAIL, Sarah, because YOU WON’T GIVE UP!” It was a simple statement, but it made me stop and think… And it made sense. Another thing that always encourages me is Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.” HOPE! So even if we don’t know our own plans and feel like we have absolutely no idea where we’re going or what we’re doing, God does and so long as we seek His will and ask it of Him, He will show us where He wants us to go in His perfect timing (which, as I’m sure you know, is not always OUR timing… I’ve learned that lesson over and over again the hard way). God has a plan for you and He is going to use the fact that you went to a four year private Christian college, and He is going to use the skills you’ve acquired through this job you don’t like, and use even the minutest of details to help form and create the person you are destined to become. None of it is or was a waste. It was a gift for you to be able to have that experience. It’s part of you. Just like this new adventure of working in Santa Barbara and becoming a blissfully happy newlywed are all part of you and will help mold and make you into the person God intends for you to be. Seek only His will, and (here’s the hard part) wait patiently. It’s ok if all your problems aren’t fixed the moment you discover or confide about them. Sometimes, as women, all we want is for someone to listen and be a shoulder to cry on. Guys opperate a little bit differently. They see us in pain and want to fix it and fix it NOW so that we aren’t sad or hurt anymore, that’s all. Communicating that sometimes helps ease the frustration on both sides and allows our husbands to understand how best to help us… cause that’s really all they want to do.
Anyway, I better get going… my daughter just woke from her nap and we’re about to go out of town, but I have one more thing to tell you that’s a little bit off topic from the rest of this post… With regard to having kids! The best advice we ever got: There will never be a perfect time to have kids. If you wait for the “perfect” time, it may never happen. However, you can always rest in and count on the fact that, no matter what, God will always provide for you. He has for us, and I have faith that He will for you, too. Children are such a major blessing! I know you two will be great when you feel ready.
Love, your Cuz,
Sarah
This post reminds me of something I wrote on Live Journal many moons ago.
I’m sorry you are experiencing so much frustration right now. It may just be a temporary come down from the mountain-top experience of getting married. For now, I’d count my blessings that you have a job that pays well. Many people don’t even have jobs right now. Do your best to get your loans paid down so that maybe the debt isn’t such a huge issue if/when you decide to change jobs (and/or have a baby). Keep your eyes open for something else that might come up, but in the meantime try to think of your job as a “daily blessing” (that’s what your dad calls it).
Relax and have some fun as a newlywed everyday when you get off work. Enjoy life!
You are loved!
Mom
Sarah, I love your advice! Looking forward to meeting your new little one; may all go well as you approach the day. Hope you are feeling well!
Hey Tabitha. I don’t know you very well personally, but by reading your post here, you and I seem a lot alike. I knew in my teens that I wanted to be a mom. Period. End of sentence. In the mean time, I dated, went to college (lots of college) and worked. Blah blah blah.
Since I knew I wanted to be a mom, I worked in a profession that would help me gain experience and would be fun: I was a nanny. I loved it. I was able to learn from other parents as to what worked/didn’t work. I was able to fulfill that mothering desire in me. But most importantly, it validated my desire. Spending day after day taking care of kids, I still came home wanting my own.
In the college dept, I had to figure out a field of study that would a- be some what fun and b- not feel like a total waste of my time. So I majored in Early Childhood Education (aka, preschool). I paid too many thousands of dollars to learn how to play, sing songs, come up with art projects and figure out how to teach math and science to a 3 year old. I loved it. Took me 1o years and 3 colleges to graduate, but hey, I did!
During all that time, I finally met Mr. Right, FINALLY got married (after 5 long years) and when the timing was right, got pregnant (although I was in my last semester of school, student teaching 40-50 hours a week). A month later Keiji was laid off from work and hasn’t really worked much in the last 2 years. It was VERY stressful at first, but in the long run has been a real blessing. Our lives have been completely turned upside down, but it was all in God’s plan and when we finally realized what it was He wanted us to do, things began to fall into place. Situations are still stressful; luckily we’ve been blessed with a lot of help from my dad (otherwise we’d be homeless).
So all in all, I don’t know what I’m trying to tell you. Sometimes we have a “plan” and we stick to that plan. Then one day that whole plan is shredded and it’s like being a deer caught in the headlights. Maybe find an interesting community college course to take. Or an adult education class: cooking, writing, photography, painting, dancing, knitting. Babysit for a friend (if you need a kid, you can borrow ours
Do enjoy your newlywedness because it’s quite a whirlwind when you become a parent.
And if you need any simple, yummy recipes, I have a few I’d be happy to share.
Where is your “Do” list? Its good to recognize the “Don’ts” but if you only have one list, then you tend to focus on the one that is in view…
Remember the Do’s. What about short term things? Aspirations of being a journalist is a fantastic goal, but thats long term. What are you looking forward to today? Have you thought about things that make you happy right now? I know there is at least ONE thing…
Roll with the punches, laugh at the mistakes and remember to just relax. Its like my father always told me: Unless someone is actually dying, its ok to relax…
I could have written this post.
I’ve been at my job for almost FIVE YEARS and it’s terrifying me. Is it hard? Not really; I mean certain aspects take creativity but the rest of it is just a lot of organization and processes.
But I also don’t know what I want to do… I mean, I have ideas (wedding planner, teacher, life coach) but I don’t have the degrees I need and I have no idea how to break into those fields and I am also scared. I have a great salary + benefits. It’s comfortable. So I don’t know how to break out entirely either but I’ve decided that I will start looking for a new job next summer (which will give the job market a bit of time to stabilize itself, I hope).
If you ever need to chat about anything or need some recipe ideas for quick, easy and delicious dinners, let me konw.
You’ll get through this, I know you will because you’re a strong, amazing person with a husband who will stick by your side.
Love you!