How I do things.*
There is a strange dichotomy about the way I do things in my life. In some instances, I go after things impulsively, fearlessly, and even foolishly or recklessly. But other times, I run away from things out of fear or stubbornness or ignorance.
Example: In the last year, I’ve signed up for I-don’t-know-HOW-many various online communities or tools (only about half of which I use regularly)…
20-Something Bloggers
Etsy
43Things
StumbleUpon
Goodreads
SparkPeople
NaBloPoMo
DreamHost
Google Reader
Care.com
BlogCatalog
Credit Karma
LinkedIn
Supercook
PMSBuddy
Map My Run
The Knot (and now The Nest)
HootSuite
…and most recently, Postcrossing.
And those are just ONLINE things. I’m sure it’s not even an exhaustive list.
I joined the worship team at church. I started making bead jewelry. I got married. I became a fan of Scottish Festivals and the Dickens Christmas Faire. I switched over to Mary Kay facial products and never looked back. I moved to a new city without knowing where I was even going to LIVE.
I know how to be ambitious.
But then there are the things that Freak. Me. The. HECK. Out. Or things I have no immediate desire to do or learn, and therefore won’t even give a second thought.
- Finding a job in an area I’m not totally sure would fit me, like “technical writing”
- Going after a job I just don’t think I could succeed at, like event planning or becoming a novelist
- Turning my bead blog into a huge business of some sort, before it’s gotten even FIVE subscribers
- Running a half marathon (with my asthma? rrrrright…)
- Playing first-person-shooter games
- Aspiring for 100 followers to my personal blog
- Reading Les Miserables or Moby Dick or any other classic piece of literature that’s more than 200 pages long
- Consistently reading my Bible every day, or going through it in a year
- Losing ten pounds (or heck, FIVE for that matter)
- Being able to lift more than the 45-pound bar at the gym
- Becoming a more organized person
- Figuring out how to decorate my home to make it actually feel like home
All these things just sound ugly to me. Unappealing. Impossible. Failures-waiting-to-happen.
I’ve collected hundreds and hundreds of recipes, and tried maybe…six? Because I’m too afraid of blowing up my kitchen or giving my husband salmonella.
I’ve let fictional characters that begin to shape in my mind dissipate into forgotten ideas, because I’m afraid I’ll never be able to put a story into a cohesive format with a beginning, middle and end. And, you know, intrigue and suspense and all that.
I’m just really good at saying, “I can’t,” when the truth is really that it might not be easy. And yet, I’ve done all these things that DID seem easy to me (or fun or helpful or worthwhile), that I didn’t even give a second thought before pursuing them. Where is the line being drawn, and how can I smash it to bits and learn to be a go-getter in every area of my life?
I have an incredible mind. I know I do.
I have gifts and talents and abilities that a lot of people would kill to have.
But there are certain things that hold me back. Or, more accurately, there are certain things that I hold myself back from pursuing. I don’t get it.
I mean, I kind of get it. It’s easy for me to go after things that I know in my heart I can be good at, or can enjoy, or can flourish in. And it’s not so easy for me to go after things that seem more prone to going wrong or making me frustrated or insecure.
I like succeeding.
I don’t like to fail.
But I think that I AM failing, if I keep refusing to pursue the more challenging things I’m faced with on a daily basis.
What do you think? Am I crazy? Overthinking? Overachieving? Underachieving?
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
*I know — How inventive is my post title? I’m basically a genius.
(PS: I managed to throw in this week’s Three Word Wednesday words, for the first time in months! They’re the bolded ones. Go here for more people’s 3WW submissions this week.)
we all feel like this, at one time or another. At least you realize to question yourself and you actions. Good for you.
Do-Over
Oh boy, do I know EXACTLY how you feel! This was like reading my own journal (if I had a journal…which was also one of those things I planned to do and stick with and then it quickly died out.)
It sounds to me like a quarter life crisis.
Which you will go through again and again and again in your twenties (I’m almost 29 and STILL have them!) But, just know that how you’re feeling is completely normal! It’s funny how we can convince ourselves that we just “can’t” do certain things, when really, all we have to do is try it, attempt to do it, and then if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work, and at least you can say you tried. The thing is, anything is possible. We CAN do anything. It’s just we let a lot of fear and “what ifs” get in the way and we rationalize too much. I like to always quote from Under the Tuscan Sun, when the crazy fountain-dancing lady remarks, “Never lose your childlike wonder.” How true is that? As a kid, you don’t question yourself so much (if ever). You think the whole world is at your fingertips and that you can be or do anything. Then, puberty hits and suddenly we become jaded, bitter and overly realistic. It’s kind of sad.
But anyway, I think it’s in those exact difficult-to-face challenges that we actually live. Living in between the moments, I guess. That’s the stuff of life!
i like your questions. i m glad i m not the only one
The Life I Understand
We may be a match!
Excellent and provocative post!
i need to review my own bucket list…
Girl, you DO have a pretty incredible mind! I’m about to start Les Mis – we can read it together!
Ok, you’ve just describe me to a T. How did you do that… find some super special techy gadget and monitor me through the computer? LOL.
Yeah…what you said up there… yeah. And at the same time, I believe we’re always a success at going with the Flow.
It’s like – I go where my feet take me. Sometimes that’s making my partner call the restaurant to order takeout b/c I’m too shy. Other times, it means walking into a job interview with nothing but a hope and a prayer. Or writing a story and putting it out there for review.
Either way, we’re us. And that is so beautiful.
It really is enough.
Are you reading my mind?
I feel like I’ve been in a slump lately and am just starting to come out of it. Last night I made a new recipe and the whole time I was convinced it was going to be horrible, but guess what? It turned out to be deliciously amazing. I guess I’m afraid of the comfort zone and what might happen if I move out of it a bit which is definitely not fun.
And that list? Several things on that list apply to me.
Can we make Missouri & California closer together? I need more friends who “get” me.
xoxox
I think we feel this way. Only we can decide which path to take..
Review in verse
I feel like we’re living parallel lives here. I honestly feel this way all the time. Especially with biting off more than I can chew.
I meant to write something the first time I read this. Really beautifully written, btw. There are so many things on your list that I can relate to.
But I don’t think you’re failing, not at all. The fact that you can even churn out this wonderful missive with your ambitions, hopes, fears, etc., is a wonderful success in itself.
This was a wonderful way and a wxonderful list.
All that you have done and a lot more that you plan.
I guess its time to even jot down my things.
Mahatma and me
get. out. of. my. head.
i completely understand, seriously. i was working on my novel for a while, but it’s since hit the back burner. not just because of school. it hit the back burner before school even started. because i got a case of writer’s block. i didn’t know where i wanted to go with something. so i gave up. for now, i guess.
i guess all i can say, is pick one. ONE. from your list. and give it a go. give it a try. i think you’ll be amazed at what you can do if you’re just trying to accomplish one.