Rewind: Marveling at the “happenstance.”

I can’t believe all that has happened in my life in the last year. I just read this post from my old (OLDER old) blog, which I wrote on June 28, 2008. Just over a year ago. I’m sure most of you reading this weren’t reading my blog back then (because vox.com is like, way off the radar), but if you did read it (or you want to read it now), you might be interested to know that that was the day I decided I most definitely was head over heels in love with Joe. He had told me he loved me the night before I left the country, which was about eight days before I wrote that post.

It’s funny, thinking about my life just fifteen months ago, days before I met Joe. I had recently joined the gym, and I even got their cheapest personal training package (five sessions).

I was, as I said in a facebook note, “quite actively pursuing all things possible…” I wrote:

It’s exciting and draining, hopeful and somewhat frustrating, this process of transitioning from one [thing] to another. Exciting and hopeful because I can’t wait to see how God reveals himself through whatever direction I choose to take…draining and frustrating because I’m feeling some pressure to make concrete decisions in the near future…

Oh, and a month or so before I said THAT, I pondered (in all lowercase):

my life is so completely open to possibility right now. and i guess maybe i’m beginning to feel like i might miss out on all the possibilities if i stick around in so cal. it’s just so easy to keep doing the same old thing, never really growing or allowing myself to be stretched or challenged. it’s easy to feel content in simplicity and in…well, contentment, i guess. but i don’t want to be here because i’ve always been here. i don’t want to do things because i’ve always done them. i don’t want to stifle my chances for new experiences or new opportunities. and i really don’t want to let something as silly as fear or the influence/persuasion of other people (as in, people who wouldn’t want me to leave) get in the way of whatever this new feeling may be leading me to.

I love coming across old writings like this and realizing, in retrospect, how perfectly God was orchestrating every single thing I was going through. At the time, I thought I was so…directionless. It was like my life was on “pause” until I figured everything out. Even though I had no idea how it would happen, I was expecting something to happen that would put everything into alignment: my job, my finances, my personal fulfillment. I was expecting it, and yet I spent a lot of time trying to force it to happen the WAY I suspected it SHOULD. Which is why I almost screwed up my chances with Joe before we even went out the first time. (Short version: I tried to turn our first date into a double date, and I was all, “I don’t want a relationship and you can’t make me start one!”) See, I remember doing all these calculations in my head about how I was going to maneuver my life so that I would reach the eventual goals of x, y, and z. I was determined to get there, but in all my cluelessness and stubbornness, the things I was trying to force into place were just not happening.

And now, on August 3, 2009, exactly one year after I made the move to Santa Barbara to be closer to a guy I’d known less than three months, and exactly FIVE DAYS BEFORE OUR WEDDING (!!!), it’s all beginning to make sense. I felt a stirring, a change coming, and I was excited about the “possibilities”…but I had no idea where all the possibilities would lead. And all I can say now is thank you JESUS for nudging me in the right direction whenever I was inclined to “figure things out” on my own. I can’t even tell you how many times I tried to make everything make sense instead of just letting it play out, not worrying about what the end result would be.

The funny thing is, I bet if someone had told me the morning of May 11, 2008, that the guy I was about to meet in a hospital room on Mother’s Day would be the man I’d marry, I might have freaked out and avoided going all together. Or I might have tried to take matters into my own hands and act completely out of character (on the assumption that I would know what kind of girl this guy would like)…

So many possibilities. So many choices. So many tiny little occurrences that could have altered evvverything.

And so many ways I could have screwed it all up by my own determination to make things happen like I thought they were supposed to happen.

I’m so glad that God is bigger than my assumptions.

I’m so glad that Joe’s life led him to that hospital room on Mother’s Day. So glad the traffic that day got us both there at the right time. So glad my mom gave me such a perfect opportunity for an inappropriate joke, and so glad Joe’s eyes went “twinkle” at that moment.

I’m so glad I didn’t let fear or contentment or obligation or peer pressure dictate my decisions. So glad I did the “crazy” things: falling in love in only a few months. Moving away to be closer to a new love. Getting engaged after less than a year together. And, in five days…

Saying “I do.”

I can’t wait to see where the next year of perfectly orchestrated, seemingly inconsequential events will lead us.