Reviewing my review.

Okay. It’s Friday, and I’m tempted to write my response to the review in Haiku…but I won’t. I’m also tempted to respond to every last word of it, piece by piece…and I think I will, because I don’t know how else to say everything I want to say about…well, what she had to say. (Anyone else just get John Mayer’s “Say What You Need to Say” stuck in your head?) Plus, for my readers who hesitated to click on the review because of its URL (ahem, Mom), now you can just read it here, AND with commentary!

So, here goes nothin’. My reviewer, Calamity, begins:

I like to think of myself as positive, cheerful, optimistic, even idealistic. The glass is half full, people are generally good, unicorns exist.

I realize now, after reading today’s reviewee, that I may be these things, but for a 34-year-old. There’s only so much innocence and idealism and cheerfulness allowed at a certain age, you know? Life doesn’t let you hang on to that forever. Not entirely. Not without a healthy (or unhealthy) portion of cynicism and doubt and experiential reservation. These days I sometimes roll my eyes at the blind hopefulness of youth, the unswerving romanticism, the unfounded and likely-to-be-toppled idealism. But only sometimes.

Tabitha at Headed in the Right Direction reminds me that having hope, believing in something, and enjoying simple, innocent pleasures is worthwhile. They aren’t my hopes, my beliefs, or my pleasures, but I can still appreciate the sentiment.

I was kind of surprised that she opened with this…not because I disagree, but because I guess I hadn’t realized that my blog had a theme of hopefulness and positivity weaved throughout it. Cool. Now that I think about it, I do tend to try to leave out all the complainy, gripey, woe-is-me stuff as much as I can, perhaps because I know that I look back at that stuff and laugh at myself for being so dramatic. But more on that later.

So, I appreciate how she started the review out. She noticed a quality in my writing that I guess I’ve always subconsciously strived toward.

Her design is standard but with good tabs and organization. The About page gives us an idea of who she is and why she’s doing this blogging thing, but Tabitha, you may want to include something about who Joe is here. Also, figure out how to import your old Blogger posts into your new WordPress site, unless the focus of this blog is entirely different. I’m sure there’s a way.

Ah. Good point about Joe. I write about him a TON in my blog, so I think when I wrote my About page, I figured people would dig around to find out about him themselves. But, uh…that’s probably cocky, right? Like I expect that everyone is going to be so interested in me that they will take the time to discover what I’m all about on their own. Kinda defeats the purpose of an About page, I suppose. So, I’ll get on that soon. I love writing/talking about Joe, so it shouldn’t be hard.

As for the thing about importing posts…um, I did? I’m confused by that part. Maybe she started reading my blog when I first moved it over here, and my old Blogger posts weren’t here yet? Meh. Minor detail.

Now. I just want to warn my fellow cynical Askites: there’s Bible study and devotional time and worship. Yeah. I know. But go with me on this.

She’s young (that would be To Have and Have Not, not Honey I Shrunk the Kids) and in love (8 months? Get back to me after 12 years) and mostly cheerful and a bit naive and innocent in a charming way.

Heh. When I first posted that line, “Just put your lips together and blow,” I definitely thought it originated from Honey I Shrunk the Kids. And my wonderful fiance corrected me, too. But yes…I am clearly too young for that movie reference. 1944? I was like, negative 40 years old.

And, Calamity — you’re on. I’ll see you in 12 years, and I certainly don’t expect that life by then will still be butterflies and roses, or that my will-be husband and I won’t have been through some really tough stuff. The thing is, I really don’t look at life in quite the childish way that it may come across here, and Joe and I do deal with crappy, frustrating, REAL issues. To be perfectly honest, it’s likely that I will never post in detail about that aspect of our relationship, because it’s ours, not just mine. I know how I can tend to over-share (believe it or not), and so I’ve had to deliberately abstain from ranting about arguments or issues with Joe because it’s really no one else’s business.

But anyway, all this to say, you’re right. I am young, and eight months (now almost a year) of being with Joe is not a very long time, and a lot of people are skeptical that we’re going to make it. But it kind of has a lot to do with those beliefs and Bible study that you so readily scoff at, so I won’t try to justify it. We believe God put us together, and we believe He’ll be the one to keep us together when the shit hits the fan. (Sorry, Mom.)

Back to you, Calamity.

She’s funny and honest and she tells a good story. Tabitha’s a comfortable writer who knows her voice. And at 24, that’s really very impressive. She rambles, but it’s a cohesive, entertaining ramble, for the most part. She’s long-winded and wordy, but it kind of works for her. Tabitha, you could stand to trim some of the fat from your posts — go through and edit. But for the most part, I like your style, I like your rambling stream of consciousness because you do it well. A less skilled or personable writer would lose us in the words, would annoy the crap out of us by leading us hither and yon. But you do a pretty good job of drawing us in and keeping us there.

To this I just say…YAY! I must admit that my tendency to ramble is both my favorite and my least favorite thing about my writing style. I kinda can’t get away from it, and when I do, it feels clunky. Forced. Borrrrrring. But I know that, to pursue any sort of career in writing (with the exception of being made famous for this blog — heh), I would have to work on staying on topic, being a bit more succinct, and omitting a lot of the inner running commentary like that little parenthetical aside I just threw in. Anyway, it feels good to hear (from someone other than my parents) that the style with which I write is entertaining and, for lack of a better word, followable. I’ll work on that whole editing thing…it’s kind of the bane of my existence, which is ironic, since I’m an editor at heart. Just not when it comes to my own stuff. (I should probably edit this whole paragraph.)

Tabitha gets it. She knows she’s writing for an audience, even if she writes for herself first. “Cuz let’s face it, if I didn’t want input, responses, reactions, etc., I would make it all private, or just put it in a physical, paper journal, ya know?” — Exaaaactly.

I liked this blog, in spite of myself. In spite of my wished-for cheerful optimism, I’m often a sneering cynic, especially now with bills mounting and love getting away from me and age settling in around my eyes. Reading Tabitha’s blog was kind of refreshing, really. I don’t share her values or religion or frame of reference, but she’s kind and silly and thankful and so very eager but also, honestly, a talented writer. I can’t help but wish her the best.

Tabitha, some further words of encouragement: you’ve got the conversation down. Branch out a little now. Get more creative, push your boundaries. Live in the words rather than just saying them. You tell us your stories with lighthearted optimism. Delve a little deeper, not for darkness but for truth, for maturity, for something at once raw and polished.

I just about jumped out of my seat with glee when she said that I’m “also, honestly, a talented writer.” It’s very encouraging to have a complete stranger (who wasn’t directed to my blog by my extremly proud daddy) call me talented. Kind of an ego boost, really. But again, Calamity, I should really tell you: I get cynical, too. A lot. I’ve got over $30,000 in loans and debt looming over my head, taunting me every time I put another hundred dollars into my wedding. And I used to write more about that kind of stuff. In fact, just a month or so ago, I wrote a post that I never published here, which probably would’ve given you a taste of that deeper, raw truth you’re looking for.

I think that I struggle with putting my less optimistic thoughts up here for a couple of reasons: one, I fall too easily into a habit of complaining (in real life), so I try to keep it out of this realm, in the hopes that the positivity of my writing will continually bleed over into my daily attitude. And it has. In the bigger picture, forgetting my iPod on a running day is not really important. Wanting to punch someone in the face for having bigger boobs than me is, for one thing, not at all productive, and also? Not important. And if I start writing all the griping and moaning here, solidifying it and inviting readers to validate me, I tend to get ugly in real life, too. Don’t get me wrong — I know it’s okay to have bad days, and to get angry. But I don’t want it to be something that characterizes me. So if it’s petty, I try to leave it out. The problem comes, then, with figuring out where the line is drawn between petty complaining and working out legitimate, tough issues in writing…

Which brings me to the second reason I struggle: this blog is public. It’s not only public, but it’s been made readily available to just about everyone I know. And while I don’t regret sharing my blog with friends and family, I do have to think about who is going to read what I say. I have to really weigh the value of letting it all out versus the potential reaction I might get. I kind of hate admitting that, because it means that I do censor myself to an extent. Joe is always encouraging me not to censor myself. He tells me I don’t need to write disclaimers like, “Hey, Mom, this post has a bad word in it…sorry.”

But it’s tough. It’s tough growing into the woman that I’m becoming, and revealing the parts of myself that might not fully measure up to outside expectations. It’s tough feeling hindered from sharing more TMI stories because I have young family members who might look up to me and think it’s okay to do the stupid things I’ve done that are, while often hilarious, not things that I would condone for my little sister to do.

I could go on and on about why there is a notable lack of posts about harder subjects or which are anything less than sickeningly optimistic. But in truth, this review makes me want to keep at it even more. Everything I write here is honest, though it may not be a perfect representation of ALL of my feelings and thoughts. I like that my positivity is recognizable and appreciated. I like that you know I have different beliefs and values. And I hope you see the connection there. If I didn’t hold the beliefs and values which are such an integral part of my life, I couldn’t be the cheerful, happy girl you found here. That’s the bottom line.

I have bad days. But my good days are so much more fun to write about. That said, I will take this review into consideration, and I might get deeper. I want to. I just need to keep it balanced. I need to always be able to come back to the core of who I am and what I live for, and not get sucked into pessimism and complaining, which — believe it or not — are two things that I’ve battled against my whole life.

Shoot, the more I write, the harder it is to find a good place to end this thing. Probably a good indication that I should, what’d you say, Calamity?

Oh, right. Edit.