Letter to My Heart

I’m part of this website for women bloggers, and they are having a sort of Valentine’s Day Blog Initiative, and they’re asking people to write a letter to their hearts. I figured, what the heck. I’m totally obsessed with writing/blogging right now, and I’m interested in reading other ladies’ letters, so why not give it a go myself? So without further ado, here we go.

I’m dedicating this to Joe. Please note, though, that this letter is written “to” my actual heart, not to Joe. It’s just dedicated to Joe. So don’t get confused, k? K. Moving on…

Pentru inima mea:
(For my heart)

I’ve been thinking of how to “talk” to you, my Heart, about all that we’ve been through these last 23 years together. At first I felt like apologizing for all of the pain I allowed to be brought upon you. Or maybe I would reminisce with you about all the ups and downs, the crazy roller coaster we’ve been on ever since my first kiss in 10th grade…

But I think, rather than dwelling on all that past stuff, I want to focus on where we are right now. And the first thing I want to say to you, Heart, is Thank You. Thank you for not completely shutting down after all I’ve allowed you to endure. Thank you for keeping hope alive inside of me — hope that one day I would find someone who wanted as badly as I did (and as you did) to give ALL of himself and his Heart to another. Every butterfly in the stomach, every kiss, every embrace, every belly laugh… Someone who wanted to share his life with me — every aspect of it: good times and bad, frustrations and adventures, starting a family, making a home together, taking care of each other, growing old together. Thank you, my dear, precious Heart, for opening up to the possibility of true love, even after so many crippling, painful failures on my part.

Because you did not grow weary or keep up the walls I have tried to build around you to no avail, we have finally found him. That person we’d been afraid would never show up, or might not even exist. Of course, you knew before I did that we’d found him. I was too stubborn to see it, and I kept relying on my Head — my egotistical, self-important, distrusting Head. This darn Head was so preoccupied with all our big plans, and we made it a point to let you know that we weren’t interested in starting any new relationships any time soon, because we knew (or so we thought) that it would blow up in our faces yet again. But it didn’t take long for you to convince me to at least give the guy a chance. And it didn’t take him long to win us both over.

Ever since Joe entered our lives, this roller coaster has been so much wilder…but in a good way. You know, like the one at Disneyland that, even though it’s insanely fast and a little scary, is totally worth every twist and turn? I feel like in the past, the coaster we’ve been riding has been kinda shady, like one of those carnival ones that you know can’t be that safe if they can install it and tear it down in a matter of hours. I never quite feel the fullness of excitement because I’m always thinking, “Oh crap, this thing is shaking a lot and jolting me around like a drunk driver. *covering eyes* Is it over yet?” And somehow, over the years, I came to believe that that was just the way love was always going to be. So I’d hop back onto the ride, strap myself in, and recklessly pull the dang lever myself, practically indifferent as to who I decided to bring along with me this time…and totally indifferent to what it could do to YOU.

Thank God I finally let you have some say in it, huh? Joe changed everything. The roller coaster is finally the kind with a nice big, comforting Stamp of Approval, signed by the Board of Heart Safety for its solid foundation. And, much to my surprise, it’s not boring! You know those little kiddie rides that they call “roller coasters” but are really just a cheesy tram ride around the park where you can SEE all the fun being had, but you’re not one of the ones actually having any? That’s what I always kinda worried was what “settling down” would be like.

I was so wrong. You knew of course, all along, that life with Joe would be anything BUT boring. And you also knew it wouldn’t be easy, once we got serious and realized we’re pretty sure we want to be together for life. But I feel so much more at ease now, thanks to you, because you’ve helped me to understand that love is not perfect, and it isn’t meant to be. It’s meant to be an ongoing journey of learning, a story of trials overcome and joys shared together. It is two people deciding that, yes, they are starting out “in love” and feeling all those warm fuzzy, happy feelings when they’re around each other, but that’s not what they want to base their lives on; instead, they will love each other even if and when that elated, “honeymoon stage” fades away or is outweighed by difficulty, pain, sickness, sadness, anxiety or stress.

And here’s something you’ve been trying to get me to understand for years that I’m only now beginning to grasp: love isn’t about me. It’s not about finding (or fabricating) a person who is just like me, or who will do certain things for me, or who can make me feel good all the time. The best kind of love, the kind that feels better than any “getting” sort of love like I’d been trying to attain so fruitlessly, is love that makes me want to GIVE. Give of myself — my time and energy, my skills, my talents, my thoughts…and that makes me want to give you, my Heart. Completely and without hesitation. Thank you for showing me how fulfilling it is to love Joe in a way that isn’t self-seeking. I’m absolutely convinced that that’s the key. The moment I decided to stop trying to GET and GET and GET was, ironically, the moment I felt like I had been given everything. Because Joe got it, too. He wanted to give me his best, his all, his Heart.

So listen, Heart… I guess I just want to say thank you. Thanks for putting up with years of torment. All my reckless and selfish decisions that did a lot of damage to you. Thank you, again, for keeping hope alive inside of me. If it weren’t for your strength and determinatio
n, I might have brushed Joe off the very day we met, and then where would I be today? Where would Joe be? I shudder to imagine my life without him. And just so you know, I do know that you still need to be cared for and protected. And I do know that as much as Joe loves me and I love him, there will be times when we’ll hurt each other. And our hearts will ache. But it feels so good to know that you are as ready as I am to take on this challenge. To ride this awesome roller coaster. So whaddya say, Heart? Let’s roll.

Love,
Tabitha